Day 5: Journal

Day 5 of the #captureyourgrief project is Journal.  I have kept a few different journals with thoughts and ideas written down in them, but the main journal of all is this blog.  This blog has helped heal me in ways I'm not sure were possible otherwise.  I am able to talk freely here, about how I feel and what I feel, even if it's sad or crazy or selfish, and everyone seems to accept me for where I am on my journey.  Or, maybe you don't and you keep your opinions to yourself, but either way I appreciate you stopping by and reading about how I am doing and what I am feeling at any given moment.  
I love writing here in my blogspace, I look forward to writing new posts every week.  I'm always thinking of ideas that I can share, whether they are helpful or venting or just feeling out loud, the ideas are always coming.  I keep a small written journal of these ideas.  I may read or hear something, or learn something at church, and I'll jot it down to remember it and maybe write about someday.  The written journal was given to me by the hospital.  I also have a creative journal that I can draw or write in that I made with my sweet friend from work, DJ.  Writing and being creative has been essential to my healing.  
How do I feel today?  I feel good.  I feel peaceful.  I even feel happy at times.  I also feel overly nostalgic most of the time.  I feel great being an active part of life again.
Mom & I had a yard and jewelry sale both yesterday and today.  Together I think we made over $400!  So, together we are donating over $40 to Pregnancy and Infant Loss charities in honor of our babies and a nod to this month of remembrance.  We had fun pulling out all of our junk and participating in the community yard sale in their neighborhood. One man's trash is another man's treasure!  I'm glad some of our old things went to homes where people could enjoy them again.   It felt good to be out and talking with people and helping mom with her jewelry sales and just spending time with people I love.  Dave & Ash came both days and either helped or sat with us too.  Today, business was much slower, but it is a beautiful fall day and I was out appreciating the sun and how beautiful the world can be.
Today is one of those days that reminds me that though I probably have far to go in healing, I can see how far I have already come.  Before I couldn't even go outside, I didn't want to be around people, and I didn't want the world to keep moving when I wanted it all to stop.  Now, I don't feel any of those things anymore.  I can smile again.  I can laugh.  I can feel happiness again.  I remember in those early days when I wasn't sure I'd ever feel happy again.  I'm so, so glad that I am wrong!
This afternoon I am getting together some ideas for Jackson's memorial coming up on the 21st.  I took a personal day at work for that day, and mom has told us that whatever we do we can use her house.  I originally wanted to release the paper lanterns but they are so dangerous in such a busy area, so I had to scrap that idea.  We decided on doing a balloon release.  Don't worry, I tracked down 100% biodegradable balloons, because the last thing I want to do in honor of my baby is endanger animals or our environment.  I think we are going to spend part of the day doing Acts of Kindness in Jackson's honor.  I kind of think it would be cool to do 21 different things, because his due date is the 21st and he was exactly 21 weeks when he passed, so it's meaningful.  I want the acts to be special, and anonymous as much as possible.  We aren't doing it to to be selfish or celebrated, just so that Jackson's short and sweet life can make a difference on the world in some small but sweet way.  
Yes, life feels like it can be good again.  It's a different kind of good, like a piece of the good will always be missing from me, but it's still good.  It feels wonderful to not be so weighed down in grief anymore.  I don't think that hurt will ever go away, but I can and am living around it.  I'm still trying to integrate it into my life and use it to help me live and love better.  I'm sure that will be a lifelong journey, but at least it feels good.  
Thanks for allowing me to be me here, and thanks for reading and being a part of this whole mess.  Its a big mess, but it's our mess and it's in honor of the twin babies we had to say goodbye to, and it's healing and helpful to me to write here.  So thank you.   xo,

Now

Now.  Who am I now?  Besides a girl who has deeply rooted anxiety and fears towards all things pregnancy related?  Not only for myself, but for every pregnant woman I see.  I think, "Stay in there, sweet baby" to every single belly I see.   Honestly, now that I have been climbing this mountain of grief for almost 4 months, I can look down and see how far I have come.  It's ironic how a loss so big, a loss that has broken me into pieces, has also made me full whole in so many ways.  My babies, little Lily and sweet Jackson, have changed me.  I know I have so much further to go...but I am thankful for what they have meant to me and this world so far.  I am thankful for how much they have changed me for the better... I am more patient.  That's not saying much, because I wasn't all that patient before and I still have far to go here... I have so much more capacity to love.  My babies have made room in my heart, and I am really not sure what to do with all of it!  I am sure that they will show me... I am stronger.  I can't even believe how strong I am!  God has brought me far in this short time, and I feel like I can move mountains... I have so much faith.  Faith was something I never thought much of before.  Trusting that God has a much bigger plan for me than I have for myself is very difficult, but I have faith that no matter where He leads me, it will be awesome.  I keep hearing those words He whispered to me during labor, "My blessings will be abundant."  I'm not sure what that means, but He is GOD, so it has to be good! I have HOPE.  I cling to HOPE.  How can one be hopeful after pregnancy loss?  I really don't know, except my God is an awesome one, and that is how He works.  He can take the bad and make it good.  He can take the sorrow and turn it into happy.  He can take something ugly and create beauty.  He can take fear and build strength.  And he can take death and despair and give HOPE like you have never seen it before.   Yes, I am different.  And while I'd rather have them here with me, I am happy with the person I am becoming because of them.  I hope I continue to grow and find strength from all of this.  I hope to make and live a beautiful life.  

#captureyourgrief Day 4: Now.  

Before

Before our loss, I had no idea that life could really be so difficult.  I had no idea how scary pregnancy could really be.  I thought I was one of those people who would skate through life without many hardships.  Everyone would be born and die in an orderly fashion that made sense.  After the loss of my father-in-law, I kind of figured we'd been dealt our "bad times" and would be good on the bad luck for a while.  My husband losing his father was a huge and heart breaking ordeal, surely God would spare us any more big losses for a while, right?
I was so wrong.  And to believe that God works that way was really stupid of me.  People die.  Babies, children, parents in their 50's, and so on.  We aren't guaranteed a long life, not ever.  That's a hard pill to swallow, and if I think about it long, I start to freak out.  Who else will I lose?  Will I die? Will all my pregnancies end in death?  But, I try to keep control of those feelings, and there is no point in worrying myself into a panic attack.  It helps nothing.  It helps no one.  Because, I can not control everything, especially fate and life and death.  I have no control.
Day 3 of #captureyourgrief is BEFORE.  Who was I before?  How was life different before?  Do I miss anything about that person?

This picture was taken on Feb. 13th, 2014.  This was barely 24 hours after we found out we were pregnant.  I was happy, I was excited, I was in complete shock.  I remember writing "Baby coming" in the snow - the snow that kept on falling for over 20 hours and piled up to 18 inches.  
Who is that girl?  She knows nothing of what will happen to her.  She is blissfully unaware that her body will become a baby killing machine in the next few weeks, and then again in 5 months.  I was naive, but I was happy.
I miss the not knowing.  I miss being able to be naively excited about pregnancy, and not knowing how wrong it can all go.  The next time...it will not be that easy.  I'll have to actively fight the terrible feelings, the crushing yet raw fear, that loss could and may happen again.  I'll have to work hard to not be afraid to do the simple task of just going to use the bathroom, holding my breath each time.  The odds of losing another baby actually go up, because we have lost before.  There's no quota for baby loss heartache, no free pass since we've already said goodbye to two babies.  It can happen again.  I miss not knowing that.
That girl, she was also much more selfish, and self-centered.  She wasn't able to hold as much love and gratitude in her heart.  She doesn't know what it feels like to be a mom, or to mother a soul in Heaven.  Those things have altered me.  
I am proud of who I am now.  I know more, I have grown much older in this short time, and much wiser, and our loss has changed me in amazing and impossibly good ways.  More on that tomorrow...
Miss you both.  Miss you all.  I love you.

My Heart

My heart.  What can I say about my heart?  It is broken, but mending.  Or, it is broken and I am used to it.  Either way, I believe it is feeling better.  I think I've come to terms with the fact that instead of carrying you in my arms, I will carry you in my heart forever.  I don't want it to be that way, but I am getting used to being the Mother of a baby in Heaven.  I get to Mother your "spirit" as CarlyMarie said.  That is a unique and beautiful way to be a mom.   I love you, my beautiful baby!

Day 2 of #captureyourgrief: Heart.  

Here we go, October

This month is finally here.  As I am still waking up today, I have mixed feelings.  Part of me is really ready, ready to move on and live my life and be happy.  Part of me is still in that second reality.  The reality where I am still pregnant and just a few weeks away from meeting our son, Jackson.  
As I move through grief, that second reality becomes less like a reality and more like a dream.  It's hard to imagine myself pregnant with him any more.  His death and the fact that he is in Heaven has become normal to me.  That breaks my heart a little, that I am getting "used" to him not being here.  
I'm glad I have come so far, or that God has gotten me this far, but I'm sad because it feels like I'm letting him go.
So, here is October.  A whole month dedicated to Pregnancy and Infant Loss, as well as a personal month dedicated to getting through our baby's original due date.  Instead of having a baby, we are having a memorial service.  For PAIL, there are so many events and projects to get involved in this month and while I want to be involved in all of them, I have to protect myself too.  If I do too much and keep too busy, I think that defeats the purpose of my plans for healing this month.
As I get through this month, I hope I learn how to love and honor Jackson with my whole life, while moving on with life and feeling ok about that.  It's hard for me.    

Anyways, here is my first day photo of the #Captureyourgrief project. 

The sun has become a symbol for me.  A way for Jackson to communicate to me.  I see him and hear him in the sky during the sunrise and the sunset.  I hear a little voice that says, "We're ok" and I can only take that to mean that he is there with his twin "sister" and his grandfather and all the others that have gone on in our families...and they are ok.