Showers for Zachary

This is a long one!
Zachary is one loved little boy, already!!!  In the last few weeks, we've had two beautiful showers thrown for us.  I can't even begin to express how blessed and lucky we feel that so many people want to love on us and our little baby boy.  It's overwhelming, but in a big and beautiful way.  
Something that I have struggled with in this pregnancy after loss is feeling like a fraud, like I don't really belong to the "club" of preggo moms, or the mother-to-be club.  That is a product of a loss such as ours, it feels hard trying to fit in.  But now, since the showers and the nursery, this really feels REAL.  And I love that it feels real.  I am loving the thought of being a mom to him, and I am loving LETTING myself believe that it could happen!
Our first shower was thrown for us at my school.  My Special Area team hosted it.  Dave and Ashley and my parents came for it, and it was so sweet.  We got WAY more for Zachary than we deserve, and I am so lucky that I work with such a wonderful staff.  Here are a few of the pictures we have from that day...

The beautiful cake made for us by Peggy and decorated by the talented Denise...it was SO yummy!

Mom and Dad getting some food...

Dave & Ashley digging in too...

I wore the sweet scarf that Blythe and Chuck sent us last year, a tribute to Jackson and Lily as we celebrate their baby brother.  Here I am opening a gift from one of the families from our school!

My dad, being a goof as always.  This beach hat is adorable!  I can't wait to put him in it at the pool and the OBX this summer!

Dave, holding the gift from my team!  We love to eat, so this gift was perfect - his bottle set!

Me, opening gifts.  I make funny faces while I do this apparently :)

We got so many sweet little outfits!  

The pile of wonderfulness after we got home!
I wish I had more pics of the shower, but Dave & Ash only really took pics of me.  It was a very sweet shower and a lot of friends came to bless us!  Thank you, Squirrels!!!
Our next shower was this past weekend, thrown by our dearest oldest friends and hosted at Jenny's beautiful home.  We had a brunch, and lots of fun and laughter, and it was awesome!!  My family and closest friends came, and again we were blessed way beyond what we deserve!

Ashley was in charge of pics, and she did a great job of capturing all the little sweet details!  Our nursery theme is vintage travel or little explorer, and Jenny and our family friends did an awesome job of decorating in that same theme.  Below is his name on vintage map paper!  So cute!

Lots of great little touches!

Hot air balloons with his name on them hanging everywhere!

Dave's grandma "Grammy" and my sweet mother-in-law, Joyce...

Mom was in charge of games, which was hysterical because she stressed everyone out with them...she takes her jobs very seriously as Grandma!  Here are the baskets she created as gifts...

Mom and I posing for a pic - she likes to wear sunglasses like a NY diva.  I always have to remind her to take them off!

Gift time!  I can't believe how much we got!!

Clothes and activity gyms and Mamaroos and lots of fun stuff!

My dress is from Old Navy, and I love it:)

My Sister in Law (the saint who married my brother!) was awesome and helped me with the gifts.  Love you, Krystal!

Mom organizing a game...

Friends and family, stressing over said games;)

My aunt, who did know not the answer to the celebrity game, so she just wrote WHAAAAAT?  On the paper!  It was funny, she is the best!

This sweet onesie was given to us by Blythe and Chuck, and it almost sent me into a fest of crying ugly but joyful tears.  Can you read what it says?  I can't even talk about it without tearing up...

It's one of the FIRST outfits I am putting Zachary in, whether it fits or not.  It's already in the hospital bag.  Love you, Bluck and Chythe!!

Dave showed up halfway through the gift part, and I made him open one with me...

This was our awesome pack and play with newborn napper, given to us from his mom.  What a great gift!

My mom and dad got us our travel system, I don't have a pic of that but it was also an awesome gift.  Our family and friends are way too generous!

Here is our beautiful cake, and it too was DELISH!

Joyce also made her famous strawberry shortcake.

Heather, my very best BFF, was visiting from Texas last weekend.  I basically made my friends throw the shower on this day so she could be a part of it.  I couldn't have a shower without her!!!  Zachary is going to love his auntie!

Me and Katie Mac, friends for life.  She is an awesome friend, I love her, and she gave us an amazing airplane that we hung in the nursery, pics to come soon of that!

Don't forget the big sis, she can't wait!

Heather, Jaimie, me and Jenny.  All friends from childhood, middle school and high school.  We grew up together, and all have very busy lives, but they will be my sisters forever.  I love you girls!

Dave and I, overwhelmed, happy and hopeful.  We are so thankful for all of our friends, family, and co-workers that are praying for this baby boy of ours!

                                                    

We had a lot of fun at all of our showers!  Zachary's nursery is full, so there is NO going back now.  He has to arrive, safe and happy and healthy!  I'll share pics of the room, maybe next week, because while we have all the furniture, storage and decor for the most part, it still all needs to be organized and decorated.  Oh and let me just say, we LOVED using BabyList as our registry.  If you are preggo, or planning on getting preggo, Babylist lets you combine all registries into one.  So you can put any item from any store on there, and it gives everyone the links to the stuff - you can choose how to buy it and where to buy the item from to get the best deal.  It even lists competitive prices.  I wish I would have thought of such a genius website, I'd be rich!

Anyways, THANK YOU to each and everyone of our friends and family that helped celebrate the coming of Zachary David.  God has truly blessed us with the best of friends and family.  Thank you for your support, and your prayers, and dealing with my neurotic ramblings over the past year.  It's been a crazy ride, but it'll be worth it when that little boy enters into the world and changes our lives forever.  I can't wait to share him with you!!!

Updates!

Well, I've been pretty quiet here on the blog for the past month.  Each time I wanted to write, I felt a little overwhelmed.  Being pregnant after losing Jackson (and Lily) has been such an emotional roller coaster, and sometimes I just don't notice the ups and downs until they are over.  For the past month, after each week went by I though...eh...I'll wait until next week, just in case something happens.  I didn't really realize that I was losing steam or faith, but now that I look at it, that is what was happening.  I'm not sure if it was my baby showers on the horizon, or the thought that all my testing would be starting soon...but I let fear in again, without even realizing it! So much has happened in the past month too!!  We painted the nursery, we put up the crib, we bought a dresser, we had TWO showers, we decided on his name (Zachary David, we can't wait to meet you!) and have had tons of doctor appointments.  I feel so out of touch with talking about him, and updating you, and figuring out how to feel and how to think.  It's just overwhelming.  But I'm back, ready to blog my way through the last few weeks we have left. Let's start there!  Today I am 33 weeks.  How did I get here?!  It seems to have gone by so, so fast.  I'm so lucky, and blessed, to have made it this far.  Achieving 33 weeks gives me lots of hope, tons of hope, actually.  I know I am not out of the woods yet, I know Zachary isn't either, but if he were to come into the world this evening, he has a heck of a great chance of living!!!  Yay!!
Here is the size of his hand right now, according to my app :)

The doctors have started me on twice a week testing, every week from here on out.  For the next 5 weeks at least.  5 weeks!!!  Can you believe that?  5 weeks from today is May 26th.  5 weeks from today I will be 38 weeks.  5 weeks, this baby could be in my arms.  I could be posting pictures for you!! They are starting to really talk about when they will induce us, because they will induce me...they definitely won't let him stay in me past 39 weeks, but 38 weeks seems to be the new magic number.  I told the docs that as long as he is growing well, and he is big and healthy enough for them, that they can get this kid out of me however early they want!  I just want him HERE, alive, in my arms!  
So...every Monday morning, and most Thursday afternoons (sometimes mornings) I go up to UCMC and have non stress tests and fluid checks done.  I've been to three of these appointments so far, and while I am a nervous mess each time, I do leave with so much relief and hope.  Each appointment is just another milestone that I can check off my mental list.  Zachary seems to be doing well, and I think that if there was any hint of a problem that these appointments will help us find it.
At our growth scan two weeks ago, he was measuring 1.5 weeks ahead of schedule - which could be from the diabetes, or it could totally be normal.  Lots of "normal" pregnancies measure ahead.  He weighed 3 pounds and 15 ounces two weeks ago, so you can bet this child is over 4 pounds now.  Last week when they did another scan for my fluid and the biophysical profile, his sweet little legs looked so chubby!  He's packing on that fat:)
Physically, I feel great.  I'll get tired on some days - especially on work days, and have to rest a lot and go to bed early, but other than that it's been uneventful.  Last week I had a little bout of nausea here and there, but other then upping my anxiety it didn't really bother me all that much.  I can't really complain about anything, other than the stress.  And I am really trying hard NOT to stress.  I keep busy, or I pray, or I do something to prepare for Zachary in spite of those terrible thoughts and voices that try to scare me.  I feel good about it all, really good, and I hope that is a good sign.  I can't believe that I will be a mother to an Earth baby, and very soon!  
What will being a mom of a live baby be like, I wonder?  What will the birth be like?  We decided not to take any classes, which may seem silly or dumb to a lot of people, but for me I know it's the right choice.  I think it will only make me anxious to plan too much, and to even be in the hospital for anything other than what I have to do.  I have been through a labor experience before, and while I know it will be LOADS different with a bigger, almost full term baby, I know what to expect.  I know what the birthing center looks like, I know that labor hurts, I know what to ask for and when to ask for it, and I feel pretty confident.  My doctors have pretty much told me that if I ask for a C-section, they will do it.  If I want to labor and medicate, they will let me.  I tell them that I'm going in there with an open mind, but if I suspect an issue, I want them to c-section him the heck out of me.  I'm not one of the types that wants my body to do its job as a woman or a mother, I really don't care.  I'm not going to stress myself, or Dave or my family, out with those silly details when the BIG picture is just to get Zachary out of this body ALIVE and well.  That's all I care about.  
I'm going to go into the hospital, and I am going to have a baby.  I'm trying to keep it as simple as that!  It may be complicated, it will be scary, but God is in control, and I am along for the ride however HE decides to use me.  I know a lot of people feel differently, but for me...that is it.  I'm going to have a baby.  However that happens!
For now, Zachary and I are doing very well.  I am enjoying feeling him move in my belly, and last night he even played with me a little bit.  He poked out of the right side of my stomach, and I poked him back, and we did that back and forth for a few minutes.  It sorta freaked me out, in the sweetest way possible.  I don't know if he was doing it on purpose or if he even understood that I was communicating with him, but it was cute.  I am enjoying each day with him, and hoping that our days together aren't numbered.  Well, I know that they are numbered, but hopefully that number is really big, and not small.
Thanks for all the love, prayers and support.  I can really feel the village rallying behind us, and I can't even express how much I appreciate it!  I can't wait to share Zachary with all of you!  I'll be back later this week, maybe with a shower update (we have had two amazing showers!), or maybe with a nursery update (it's really coming along!) but I won't be a stranger anymore, I promise! I hope everyone has a wonderful, relaxing night.  Sending hugs to you all! <3

5 years...

I took this pic of The Blands, Christmas 2008, just a few weeks before Mr. Dave was diagnosed.

Let me tell you about a very special dad.  His name is David W. Bland, and he is my husband's father.  Five years ago today, Mr. Dave lost his battle to pancreatic cancer.  He was such a vibrant, happy man!  I miss his corny jokes, and his constant singing around the Bland household.  I miss him putting me in head locks.  I miss watching him love on his sons and Ashley, he loved them all so much!  I miss his beautiful dedication to his wife, Joyce, and his love and passion for God.  He was such a wonderful man, and he was taken from us way too soon.   
He was diagnosed in early January of 2009.  His doctors never gave a firm time frame, but we knew from the start that it was bad.  He battled the cancer so hard, though.  He made it so much longer than people with this cancer usually do.  For a while there in 2009, we really thought he may have beat an unbeatable cancer, but in the fall things got worse again.  By winter 2010, amidst all those crazy blizzards, he was on hospice care.  He died at home with Joyce and Dave by his side on March 15th, 2010. 
It seemed so unfair to lose him then, if at all, with so many happy events coming in the future.  Dave, Matt and I were all graduating at the same time in May (Dave and Matt with Bachelor degrees, me with my Masters) plus, Dave and I were getting married in June...so many BIG milestones that he should have been able to attend and enjoy.
Way back in the day, when we all were youth leaders at the same church,  Mr. Dave used to tell me that he was my #1 fan, because he wanted me to marry his son.  When Dave and I started hanging out and then dating, he would always ask me how our relationship was going, I think he knew Dave was too shy to talk about it with him whereas I, obviously, talk about everything!  When Dave asked me to marry him, he was so excited that I would be joining their family.  He was always praying hard for us, and holding us accountable so that our relationship could be blessed.  He was awesome like that!
I know that Mr. Dave would be so proud of my Dave today.  He is a wonderful husband.  He's dedicated, and hard-working, and so much fun to be around.  He is also an amazing dad.  I know he gets those traits from his father.  That goes for Matty as well.  Mr Dave also missed Matty and Laurie's wedding, another event we wish he could have been around for.  He would also be proud of Ashley and how much she has grown into the young woman she is today, and most of all that she loves church and and Jesus even through these hard teenage years.  
He will miss the birth of his grandchildren this year, ours in May/June, and Matt/Laurie's in July.   I know that him not being here for their births will be hard for both Dave and Matt.  However, he was the only one of us that got to witness Lily and Jackson being "born" last year, because both were born right into Heaven.  And hopefully, after being held by Jesus, they each were passed right into the arms of my father-in-law.  As much as I wish they ALL were here with us, that thought comforts me a lot.  They are all happy, in Heaven, not sick or scared or anything bad like that, and they all have each other.  
I know that it's possible that Mr. Dave still keeps tabs on his family, and has been with us through these past 5 years, but it's not the same has having him here, physically.  Dave told me today, that if he could just have a few minutes to talk to his dad, to hug him, to have a conversation together...that would be awesome.  I wish with all my heart that I could give that to him.  I tell him all the time that I think his dad knows how far we all have come, that he has to be able to see how we all are doing.  I really think that is true.  I hope that it is.  
Grief is such a sucky thing.  Losing loved ones is the worse thing that can happen in life.  I know we shouldn't feel bad for Mr. Dave, because he is where his heart always wanted to be, but I do feel bad for us.  We've lost a wonderful father and friend.  No matter how much we love Jesus and try to understand death and Heaven and all that, it still seems totally unfair that we had to say goodbye to him so soon.  
We visited his grave today, to tell him we love him and to spend some time telling him what his beautiful life meant to us.  As I gave Dave some alone time, I looked up at the sky and saw what looked like an angel in the opening of the clouds.  I took it as a sign that everyone up there is more than ok, and that we will be too.  One day, we will all be together again.   I can't wait.  Until then, we love you and miss you, Mr. Dave.  

Nursery, viability, and such

Well, here we are.  I am 26 weeks and 3 days.  Last week, when we saw Dr. Bellantoni, he told us that at 26 weeks our baby has an 80% - 90% chance of survival if he were to be born now.  So, if my water broke and they had to get him out, it would possibly go very differently than last time.  Maybe.  Jackson couldn't survive my water breaking a 21 weeks, and he was gone before the process even began...not that he could have lived long if he was alive after birth.  It could be different now.  A teeny tiny bit of fear has been lifted from me, because there is some sliver of hope that if all of that happened again - they wouldn't send me home from the hospital, they would watch the baby and me and if his heart rate dropped, they would get him out of me.  Not that I want that to happen, but at least one more milestone has been hurdled.  
Now that we are in the viability range, my fears are starting to turn towards late stillbirth.  I'm trying not to be afraid of my body, but again all the knowledge is working against me.  My body can do so many wonderful things like growing this beautiful boy, but it can also do terrible things like kill him as well.  Infections, cord accidents, abruption, etc etc.  I wish I could get a memory eraser and not know all of those things!  Now that he is kicking and I can feel him here and there, I'm always counting, always trying to get him to move so that I know he is ok.  It's going to be a long few months...I'm trusting God to get us through it, no matter what happens.  I'm praying hard every hour of every day that He wants this baby boy here with us, and not with Him.  
Health wise, we are doing well.  My diabetes is completely controlled.  I even got a "great job" card in the mail from my endocrinologist!  I met with him the other day and my A1C, which is the measure of how high or low my sugars have been over the past few months, was a 5.9.  When I first became pregnant, after the first month it was up at 6.2.  Our main goal is under 6, but I want it under 5.8 - I'm almost there!  So while I still eat plenty of carbs and sugar (this baby loooooves sugar) he and I are still as healthy as can be according to my team, not anywhere near a range of risks that could be with gestational diabetes.  My diabetes team is awesome, I email two different ladies at the office twice a week and they help me adjust carbs at meals and the insulin if needed.  They want me to eat...a LOT.  It's hard to eat as much as they want me to!  I've gained the most weight in this past month, 6 pounds, but being at the end of my 2nd trimester they said that was normal.  I'm starting to feel it in my belly, it's getting a little harder to get out of bed, pick things up or put boots on;) I'm glad flip flop weather is around the corner, I don't have to bend over to get those on!!!
I feel great, I am able to go to work and come home and cook dinner most nights and stay up until 10 or so.  I have energy, I'm not sick...so I would say so far, things are going really well.  I try to take comfort in that!  Somewhere in the back of my mind comes the voice that says that tons of women have great pregnancies and then lose their babies, but I tell it to shut up!
We talked with Dr. Bellantoni about the birth day.  I'm due June 9th, but as it is now they won't keep him in there that long, so technically his new due date is June 2nd.  I told him my fears of keeping the baby in me even that long.  I told him that my preference is that, if at 36 or 37 weeks, they feel he is healthy and developed enough, I want him out of me.  The doc told us that is a definite possibility - and he'll talk it over with my high risk doc at St. Joes to see what they think.  I don't want this kid in me any longer than he needs to be, because most of the stillbirth stories I know of happen after 36 weeks.  This all depends on how he is growing.  We go for yet another scan on Monday, which they are trying to assure me is "just a growth scan" to see how he is measuring at the beginning of the 3rd trimester, but I'm still so scared.  I hate those scans.  They still want to look at the heart and other major organs in case they didn't see anything the last few times.  That terrifies me.  I know the odds of something being wrong are lower now, and they would have caught anything major by now...but I defy odds, don't I?  Something could still be wrong, right?  
Be glad you aren't in my head, it's a nightmare!
So, how am I getting through it all?  One day, or hour, or minute at a time.  I forced myself to start the baby registry, and that has been really fun.  I take some time every day to get on there and add or delete things, to research baby products and scan Etsy for cute baby stuff.  It's part of my special time with him, feeling him kick and talking to him like a nut:)  I like letting myself imagine using the baby stuff with him here with me, and it makes my heart so happy.  But, I'm still so cautious when dreaming about having him here.  My mom and friends have started talking about my shower, to be held in April.  That terrifies me a little bit, but when I let myself think about it I am excited.  And, Dave and I went out last weekend a bought our nursery paint, colors that I agonized over for a month before choosing.  We jumped right into the nursery project and now are almost done the major redecorating parts.  We've painted all the walls and the closet, put new crisp white paint on the trim and doors, and I just finished steam cleaning the carpets, again.  It can't be too clean for our baby!
Dave is chomping at the bit to put the crib up, but I want to wait a little longer.  Right now, it could technically just be an empty, repainted room.  Once that crib goes up, it's his room, it's a nursery.  That crib has been up in the attic since the day after we lost Jackson when we forced ourselves to get it out of our sight before the grief really hit.  Getting it back down is going to be hard in more than one way.  What if something happens and we just have to put it back up there?  So maybe just a few more weeks, then we can do it.
Our nursery theme is going to be a mix of vintage travel/little adventurer.  We aren't crazy about typical "themed" nurseries, and we wanted to pick something that we all really love and could be a cool room for a baby, but clean and classy too.  Since we love to travel, and want to continue to travel over the world with our little bambino, we chose this theme.  The colors are navy and cream, and are really beautiful colors and I think they go with our theme perfectly.  We'll add touches of white and natural wood tones too.  I'm on the look out for a dresser that I can refinish, but it's been hard to find one.  I think we may end up going to IKEA and picking up the Hemnes dresser I see pinned in so many nurseries.  Our closet in there is really small and we could use a big dresser for clothes and stuff.  It will double as our changing table too.
We've had some fun painting this week over the weekend and our three snow days, and I am very glad that I was able to help and get it done before I get too big or tired to do so!  Now I can sit back and let Dave put together furniture, and tell him where to put and hang things.  Once we get to that point!  I'm super excited to get to the decorating part, but want to wait until I'm a little further along to do all those things.  Plus, we need to get through the scan coming up on Monday.
I'l leave you with some fun pictures we took while painting.  I'll do a nursery inspiration post with updates soon!  Prayers are appreciated for our growth scan appointment on Monday, for my sanity (and Dave's while dealing with me) and for our little Baby Boy Bland who almost has a name, but we want to be sure before we proclaim it to the world ;)  Please be healthy, and happy, and please stay here on Earth for a very long time!  

Dave, painting over the yellow that was on the walls.  He wrote a sweet note to us on the wall before he started rolling ;)  Ashley helped too but I forgot to snap a pic of her, she rolled on most of the cream color.  

Don't mind our dirty, crazy hair.  This was a snow day, and we hadn't done much other than paint and clean!

The color is on the walls, and Dave is starting on the closet and doors here...

Trim is done, doing touch ups and starting to clear out the painting supplies so the carpet can be steamed...
Now the room is completely clear and empty and clean.  It's just waiting for "the stuff".  It's coming right along!
Happy Friday!

23rd week emotions

I'll start this emotionally honest post with a beautiful picture for you:)

We finally have a nice, updated photo of our big boy.  I can't believe that he is in there, swimming in my belly!  His profile is precious to me, and you can see one of his legs up in the air, and a hand behind that.  He was very precocious during our scan yesterday, it was fun to see his personality already shining through.
On the to honest part:  Pregnancy after loss is hard.  That isn't a complaint, though.  I am very thankful to be pregnant again so soon after losing Jackson.  I know that it is a blessing, and a deep desire in a lot of women. I don't want to offend anyone who is trying and going through the trials of infertility.  Our desires are the same, to bring home a healthy baby, no matter what we have to do or put our bodies through.  Nor do I want to offend those who have lost later that I have.  It's a totally different experience, yet again we dream of the same thing.  A healthy, happy baby!
Today marks 23 weeks for us.  Yesterday, we had to overcome another big obstacle in this pregnancy with our baby boy.  We had to return for another scan for more measurements and most of all, to get the echocardiograph on his heart.  This is routine for a high risker, and I am high risk because of the gestational diabetes, and now high blood pressure.  Both conditions are very well controlled, and very well managed by our team, but still...I have to go through all the tests.  In all honesty, I really don't mind.  We have to get seen more than a normal pregnancy, and therefore have more opportunities to catch any problems, and for that I am extremely grateful.  I am also extremely anxious.
For our 20 week ultrasound a few weeks ago, the anxiety hit me the day before.  That evening before I was crying on and off, and really nothing anyone could say would help me.  This time, it hit me in the morning.  I woke up yesterday around 7:00, and the tears started rolling.  I could barely eat or talk to Dave, I just wanted to get the scan over with and have the peace of good news.  I cried the whole way down to St Joes.  I wish I could overcome it, but I am not built for overcoming this raw fear I have inside of me.  
Being a Christian and loving Jesus and trusting God is such a roller coaster during this.  Every positive thought has an immediate negative comment.  I'm told that is the devil telling me lies, and that could be true - but what about last time?  What about with Jackson?  I had fears and negative comments in my head then too!  And then I lost him!  Those thoughts were right!  So much goes through my mind all at once on a daily basis, but on days that we have these "big" appointments, I can hardly stand to be awake.  Here are just a few things that were going through my head...
Today is the day we are going to get bad news.   Something is wrong with his heart, I know it. I can't stand to go through a scan where the tech is all quiet again and I have no freaking clue what is going on. I can't stand to go through the doctor coming in and silently looking at those pictures and not talking to me. I just want good news. This can't end well. This has to end well, we deserve it! We don't deserve it at all. We've had so much good news so far, we are bound to have bad news soon. How many more of these scans do we have to endure? How will Dave handle another loss? How will WE handle another loss? What will I say to everyone when we get bad news? Will I have to give birth to a still and silent baby again? We aren't going to get bad news, all is going to be ok. I have no freaking clue if things are going to be ok or not.  No one does.  
Add a million other things that I am too ashamed to write about here, and that is what was going through my mind yesterday morning.   I usually feel that I have a good grip on this whole PAL anxiety thing, but on test or appointment days, it gets the best of me.  
And now, going forward into this unknown and unfamiliar pregnancy territory, I have more thoughts going through my head.  Should I bother thinking of a name?  Should I hire a doula?  Should I go and clean out the nursery?  Should I paint the samples on the wall and choose?  How prepared should I be?  Am I building a human, or another angel that I can't bring home?  I am supposed to be choosing hope, choosing to believe that this is happening.  But...is this happening?
I'm not going to lie.  It's very tough.  When you've been a statistic on the bad side of things, more than once, its very tough to overcome it all.  We aren't built to endure this alone.  I do trust God, but trusting him and getting what I really want and hope for don't go hand and hand.  I have to trust no matter what.
So, knowing full well that I have very little control over what happens to our baby, and very little control what happens to me (I say very little because I can control taking my meds and trying to be healthy and resting and doing yoga and all that wellness stuff) I chose to pray constantly yesterday.  As we started on the road, Dave prayed for God to give us peace, and good news, and the tears starting flowing freely again.  After he was done, I decided to shut out all those crazy and negative thoughts and just repeat a simple prayer "mantra":
Give us hope, give us peace, and please Jesus - FIGHT FOR US.
And I said it over and over and over in my head.  All the way down 95, and then 695, all the way until I got into the office, and I even said it then a few times, and during the scan a lot.
I figured that no matter what God's plan is for this pregnancy, that prayer would fit.  Healthy baby or sick baby or no baby at all, Dave and I (and our families) we need hope, we definitely need peace, and we need Jesus to fight the battle for us.  I can't fight this anxiety.  I KNOW it's not of him.  You can tell me not to stress or worry and you can quote scripture to me until we are both blue, but I KNOW it.  I can't seem to tell my heart or mind to calm the heck down though.  He can fight the anxiety for me, He can fight whatever feeling is here or coming down the road.  I need Him to be my warrior, because I still have 17 weeks to go (hopefully) and I can't imagine that it's going to get any easier.  It's going to just get harder.  I need a warrior.
The scan was excruciating, because it lasted almost 2 hours.  Tons of pictures, a very silent technician.  What is she seeing?  Are there problems?  I have no idea what these things on the screen are!!  The heart looks good to me, but what do I know?  We told her a bit of our story, and that we were anxious, but she didn't give us any indication that things were good or bad.  Finally, the doc came in, and she was better.  She knows us and our story because she gave us the news about Jackson.  This time, she was reassuring.  She looked through the pictures so fast, I knew that something couldn't have been wrong because she didn't linger on any.  She said over and over that she didn't see any problems.  She had the tech scan a couple other places, but immediately told us that it was just to get the pictures, not because she saw anything going on.  She was great, very sweet.  She walked us through the next few appointments we would have to do...nothing again for another month and even then it was just about measuring his growth.
For now, everything looks great.  For now.
It's heartbreaking to plan for two different scenarios.  If the baby lives.  If the baby dies.  But I think that way.  So, I try not to think about either, and just take each day as it comes.  That makes it easy.  I know that I'll have to plan ahead FOR LIFE eventually, but the day by day mind set really helps.  Every now and then I send a prayer up to God and say, if it's not too much to ask, if He could let me have an easy pregnancy, and an easy birth experience, and a very healthy baby, please.  I don't think I could handle it otherwise, but of course I know better.  I know I can handle anything with Him.  I just don't want to do it again, that's all.  If it's not too much to ask.
A very big thank you to everyone who is praying for us and helping us through this.  It is very hard for us, and we need all the love and support and prayer warriors we can get.  I don't post this stuff to get attention, or the likes or the comments.  I write and post it all because I need you, and my family needs you, and I know that prayer works and the more of us coming together to pray the better.  I hope that my intentions are transparent in that way.  So thank you for being there for us:)