Day 21: Relationship

Day 21 of #captureyourgrief is themed around Relationship.  It's fitting that Relationship is our theme today, because the day was centered in us remembering our relationship with our babies, however short and sweet that time was.  We are still fostering a relationship with them now, but in a very different way.  We are parenting souls in Heaven.  It's a sad way to be a parent, but when it's all you've got, you make it work.  We are making it work, somehow, being parents to "angel" babies...and learning more about our relationships with them now.   Tonight, our memorial celebration was hard.  It was a beautiful way to say goodbye, and there were many tears by everyone who came, but hopefully it was healing for everyone too.  Afterwards, we had a good dinner and fun time just hanging out and being together.  The whole evening, I could feel Jackson and Lily there, their presence made loud and clear by their absence, if that makes any sense.   Everything we did to honor them today is part of how I work on my relationship with them.  My writing, and making pictures, and the video, and artwork...these are all ways I spend time with my babies.  So, below I am sharing the memorial video I made, and the letter that I (tried to) read through my tears.     These pictures are of all the special things we've done for them.  The pictures I made a few weeks ago are here, along with a shadow box I made for Jackson with all of his special things (his hat, onesie, footprints, our gone too soon card, his bracelet) and also the beautiful anchor that Heather made for the babies.  Heather and I also made small anchor ornaments for all of our guests to take with them.  All of these things will be going up on a wall in our home, a wall to honor them and remember them.

I guess I should warn you to watch and read with a tissue, because that was the reaction of my family and friends.  I'm sorry about that, but both of these items are my heart, and a special way for me to say goodbye to my babies.

I am hoping that after today, my heart will feel lighter, but fuller.  
Oh and THANK YOU for all the amazing support today.  SO many of you posted or commented about celebrating Jackson & Lily with us.  It was overwhelming and beautiful, and I can't thank you enough for participating.  Love you all <3
Click here for memorial video. 

Memorial Letter 10.21.14 - I read this to my family after we watched the DVD and after Ash lit their

candles and read some beautiful scriptures for us.  I'll post those another time, she did a great job.  

Dear Jackson,

When I first lost you I thought that I would have to spend all of my days being sad and consumed by my grief of losing you, I thought that was the only way I was able to be with you and remember you the right way. To move on or feel better would mean that I am getting over you. There is no getting over you...

As time went on I found that the days without you were getting easier to handle, not because time was healing my grief but grief was becoming part of who I am. Then I realized that I had to redefine grief because it wasn't just grief that was becoming part of me, but it was you.  As in the you who isn’t here, the you that is alive in Heaven, you were becoming a part of my every day life and each day it was not as sad as the last.

You made me a mother, and while mothering the spirit of a baby in Heaven is not what I imagined motherhood to be, it is a beautiful part of my life when I can get passed the sadness if it. I have had people tell me "I don't know how you do this, it seems too hard" but how I see it is this: Thinking about you and writing in my blog about you and walking to see your sunsets and sharing your stories with the world and creating pictures and albums for you is me spending time with you.  I’m being your mom and exploring who you are and who I am now that you have touched my life. I would do the same exact things with you if you were here with me, instead of Heaven. I am your mom, and that time together with you is so special.

I also can get through this whole grieving process without falling apart because of Jesus. He walks me through this sad time in our lives, and sometimes, especially those first few days and weeks without you, He carried me through it.

He has walked with me every step of the way through this journey. It’s hard to understand why He let this happen to us, but then I remember we aren't supposed to understand everything that happens in this world. Sometimes, we have to trust Him and blindly have faith in Him, because He is our God and loves us so much. He doesn't want me to be in pain or feel despair, and thankfully He has saved me from those things.

Am I sad that you are not here? Yes! But, how can I stay that way when I know that you were born right into Heaven? Your whole life will be there, with Jesus, and you will never know pain or sorrow or war or heartache or any of those terrible things that we has humans have to endure here on earth. You will only know love and peace and have firsthand experience of the glory and beauty of living with our Lord.  Honestly, what more could a mother want for her child?

Do I miss you? Yes. Do I wish you were here? Yes. Do my arms constantly ache for you?  More than I can bare, usually.  Can I explain this whole mess? No.  But, does our God know what He is doing? Absolutely. Will he use your life to change us and our world and bring love and hope? I really, really hope so.

I have learned that nothing on this earth is mine. It all belongs to God. You belong to God. I belong to God. We all do. So tonight, my little boy, we send these balloons to Heaven to say that we love you and miss you and to tell God that even though we are sad He wanted you there, we are trying to be ok with the fact that you are not. We are trying to not be selfish by wanting you here with us.  We are giving you back to Him, because you are His first.

And to our little Lily, I didn't know you long, but I love you and miss you too.  For those very few minutes we thought we were going to be the parents of twins, we felt special, terrified of course, but special because twins are a rare blessing.  I am sad you had to leave us so soon.  However, I am so happy you were there to welcome your brother into Heaven.

Watch over us, little Blands, and we will see you in time. I, for one, cant wait for that day.

Love,

Mom, Dad, and Ashley, and all of your loving family.

Day 19: Give

Day 19 of #captureyourgrief is Give.  Give means so many different things to me right now, I can't nail down just one concept of give...
I want to give to others in honor of Jackson, so that his short life makes the world better.
I was given such a short and sweet time with him.
I gave him a home while he was here with me.
People have given us so much love and support during our time.
I want to give him to the world, so that people know him and remember him.
We have given to baby loss and pregnancy loss charities in His honor.
God is teaching us a lot by giving to Him.
The Lord gives and He takes away.
God has given us so much....
See?  I can't figure out one thing for give, give means a lot of things to me.    
I give him to you, God, because he was yours first, and will always be yours.  But please, keep on carrying me through this, because I can't do it without you.  You give me hope.

Explore, Gratitude, and other things...

Today my heart is both light and heavy.  I feel that is my normal lately.  Finding the good and beauty is life and in everyday, while dealing with how terrible and ugly life can be.  All at the same time.
My heart is heavy for so many reasons.  This week, there have been too many heartbreaking events going on in the world of people I know.  It's so hard to understand why things happen the way they do, and it's so hard to fight to have faith and hope through all of those things.  It's a battle, it's between good and evil, and evil wants to win so badly.  Evil wants us to be sad and hopeless and mad at God, and it's so scary how easy that can be.  Having faith and hope is a struggle, because these sad events are outside of what we as humans can comprehend, and we have to find a way to be ok with that.  Its very tough.
As for me, I sit here at my computer, trying to plan my babies' memorial service on Tuesday.  I have to stop myself from screaming that I shouldn't even be planning this stupid service, I should have them both here with me now, going crazy over the fact that we have twins.  But here I am, planning out a tasteful way to help me and our family say goodbye to them, without making them want to crawl into a hole and die from the sadness of it all.  Sometimes life just isn't fair.
Our service will be small, really just our immediate families and a few friends.  I made a DVD, and wrote a letter to read to my family, that I will share later that night here on the blog.  We are doing our balloon release at 5:30 at mom & dads, with environmentally friendly balloons and twine so as to not harm the rest of the world.  Mom is making a nice dinner.  It will be sad, but it will be healing.  A final and official way to say goodbye, to give them back to God in our own way, because that is where they are, and that is where they belong.
I'll ask our friends and family on Facebook to participate in a few ways, if they want.  You can release a balloon of your own, or do an Act of Kindness in Jackson and Lily's name (I'll post ideas), or you can light a candle anytime that day or night for them.  There's no pressure, and no obligation.  If you do something, maybe take a picture or post a comment for us, so we know you are saying goodbye too.  
I've missed blogging about the last few days of #captureyourgrief and that is because we have been busy bees around here!  My BFF, Heather, is here visiting.  She came from Texas to help me with the memorial service, and just be here with me during this tough time in the grieving process.  It's been wonderful having her here! 
Friday we went to NYC for the day, which was so much fun.  We spent the day walking around and talking and exploring the city, which is fitting, because the 17th theme was Explore.  

Exploring grief is a lot like exploring a city.  I take in my new environment and I try to understand what it means to me and my life, how does it change me?  How do I interact with it?  Exploring grief is hard and tiring work.  But the more I explore it, the more I understand it, and the better I am at living my life around it.  Grief is not something I can ignore, I can't push it away and hope it disappears, it won't work that way forever.  Plus, ignoring it means I have to ignore the memory of my two little babies, and I just can't do that.  I explore the sadness and heartache for them.  I think I am in a good place in this exploration, but I still have far to go.  At least I am used to working it into my life, and the sting of it isn't as painful.  It's still there, but I have built a tolerance to it.

Yesterday was Day 18 and the theme was Gratitude.  I am grateful for so many things.  But I chose to pick Dave as my subject for yesterday.  He has put up with a lot these past few months, me and my grief and emotions as well as his own grieving.  He is strong and he keeps me sane and tries to help me through this whole mess.  He takes care of me and the house and little things that for me, it's just hard to think of or care about during this time.  As time has gone on, I've gotten better and less rotten about it all, and he is still here loving me.  Losing a baby or a child is one of the hardest strains on a marriage, and I can see how easy it is to give up on life, and each other, when this happens.  This is also hard work, keeping us together, when all we want to do is fall apart on the inside.  That was never an option for us, and we've tried to keep God and and each other first, knowing we can lean on Him and then each other to get through this time together.  So I am so grateful for him, and grateful to God for blessing me with him.  It's been a rough few months, but for Dave & I, we are stronger for it and love each other more and love God more because of all of it.  That's something to be grateful for.
Today's theme is give and I am still working on that one, so more on that later...

Day 16: Retreat

This will be short and sweet!  My BFF is here from Texas and we have a fun few days ahead of us, as well as some planning to do for the memorial for the babies next week.  We are going to NYC all day tomorrow, I can't wait!
My retreat over these past few months has been our bed.  When I need to be alone, or cry, or read a book or watch Big Bang to escape, this is where I come.  I love our room, I love how cozy and pretty it is, I love laying in bed and watching TV with Dave and just spending time here.  Frodo always cozies up to me here, and keeps watch over me to make sure I am ok.  I do a lot of my praying here, a lot of my writing here, and a lot of my remembering here.  
This is were I cradled my belly all night, the very last night Jackson was with me.  To me, that is not sad, it is special.  
It's not a grand or fabulous room, but I feel safe and OK here.  It is my retreat.

October 15th Wave of Light

Today is a pretty hard day.  I guess it's safe to say I hate this day.  While it brings some meaning and remembrance, I would just as rather not have to think of this day at all.
First, it's Pregnancy and Baby loss Remembrance Day.  A day for the whole world to remember and grieve babies who never got to take breath, or babies who died in their first year of life.  I'm glad there is a day to celebrate our babies, but it totally sucks that it has to exist at all.  Yeah, ok, people die and that is natural, but why babies?  Why can't they be immune?  
Second, our hospital was supposed to have a beautiful candlelight ceremony tonight, but of course this year...the year we lost our babies, they aren't doing it.  I know that people have lives and families and all of that stuff, but it's sad to me that this year no one could put it together.  If I had known this information way further ahead of time, earlier than the end of last week, I could have done it.  I feel a little cheated, but oh well that is life, right?
Third, and the worse part of it all, was that this day, October 15th, would have been my potential scheduled c-section.  Jackson's original due date is next Tuesday the 21st, and we are doing our memorial for him on that day, but this day hurts too.  Our doctors told us at the last appointment we had before we lost him that they would probably schedule me at just over 39 weeks for a c-section, because of the gestational diabetes.  On October 15th.  They don't like the diabetes babies to stay in too long, because they can get too big and cause more complications.  So today is sort of like a due date.  
We may have welcomed him into the world already, in my alternate reality.  
He'd be here, with us.  Instead of gone.
So yeah, today sucks.
It is sad to be part of this community, but hey...at least there is a circle of support for something as terrible as this.  We are a strong community too.  We are mothers of dead babies.  We are parents of angels.  There are little souls in Heaven waiting for us.  We are no longer afraid of death, because death means we can be together again.  We are the community of pregnancy and baby loss, and we are strong.