Two Years Later.

Yesterday was the 2 year anniversary of my son's death.  Today is the anniversary of his birth.
Last year, I was 2 weeks postpartum from my C-section with Zachary.  I didn't really have time, or energy, to grieve the first anniversary of all that mess.  I was deliriously tired and happy all at once, overwhelmed with this new little Rainbow that actually came screaming into my life, instead of silent like his brother.
I can't let this years anniversary without writing something to honor and remember my beautiful Jackson.  I can't believe it's been two years.  I won't go into all the details again because it's so painful to relive, but you can read them here, here and here.  
As I move forward in life, I still feel heartbroken when I think about my baby being "stuck" back in 2014.  Life sped away from him and left him there, and left a huge part of me back there too.   The grieving of this loss is never ending.  Not to sound hopeless, because even in baby/pregnancy loss there is hope.  You have to choose to look for it and you have to find it every single day, but there is hope.
Sometimes I feel that I have to justify why I still feel sad, why I still want to talk about him, why I still say his name and his twins name, and why I'm not "over" it.  No one actually makes me feel that way, but I think the stigma and silence around the subject of baby loss forces me feel that I have to explain myself.
I don't.
My very first son was real.  He had a heartbeat, he had a brain, he had arms and legs and fingers and toes.  He had everything that you and I do, but was still very tiny and was supposed to keep growing.  He was here, he had life.  He had a gender and a name and a room to be decorated and everything that a baby should have.  He had 21 weeks to grow in my belly, 21 weeks to move around and develop, and 21 weeks to make our whole family fall completely in love with him. He was my baby.  Then, very suddenly, he died.    
It could be so easy to feel hopeless, to feel sick with grief all the time.  Baby and pregnancy loss is nothing to wave off, although many people do.  It hasn't happened to those people, and that is ok, no one should have to go through it.  The heartache is crushing, acute and long-lasting.  It could drive a mother crazy, it could actually kill her. The weight of empty arms when they should have been full of a beautiful live baby is the heaviest emptiness I have ever felt.  
Thank goodness I have a God who loves me and and picked me up and walked me through it, even though I wanted dig my own grave and stay there.  Some things aren't to be understood, and although I am not ok with that, I have learned that hard lesson.  Jesus helped me find my life again, he helped me appreciate the time I have here with all of my loved ones, he gave me knowledge and strength when I thought I had nothing.  He carried me through it and then slowly put me down and walked closely as I got through those weeks and months after.  
Slowly, I got to a place where Jackson's life and death don't make me sick to my stomach.  I got to a place where I could think of my baby boy and his twin with love and peace and even joy.  I got to a place where I realized his life meant something, and taught me so many wonderful things.  His life may not mean a lot to a lot of people, but it does mean a lot to a few.  
He taught me to love big and worry less.  He taught me so much about the grace and love of God. He taught me about real life, that life isn't always happy and perfect all the time, and that we can heal and make the most of it regardless.  He taught me the importance of somethings, and the silly unimportance of other things.  He taught me to love people like crazy because I never know who may need it.  He taught me not to judge because you never know who may be dealing with loss.  He taught me how to grieve and understand the act of grieving. He taught me to slow down and just enjoy life!  He taught me to look at the sunsets and sunrises and any body of water and see God's love for us.  Most of all, he taught me that I am a mom, even before Zachary got here, even though I had no earthly baby at the time, I am a mom and he gave me that. 
So while my sweet little boy isn't here with me, he sure taught me a lot in a very small amount of time.  He will be with me always, and not a day goes by that I don't think of him.  
Zachary sees him, which may sound a little weird.  Sometimes he will look up at the ceiling and point, sometimes laugh and giggle, sometimes even play peek a boo with someone. that I can not see.  I know it's Jackson, and I whisper to the room, "I love you, baby.  I miss you.  Thanks for watching over your brother."  Sometimes I cry, because I wish I could see him too.  Other times I smile and feel at peace.  
Grief is a wave, and sometimes we go up and then we go down.  I will ride this wave for the rest of my life.  The waves never stop, but I get better at keeping my head above water.  I used to want to drown in it.  I'm glad that I didn't, I'm glad that the strength and love of God and my family kept my head above the water.  I am strong, I am brave, and I am still here.  
Jackson and Lily will always be a part of our family, and will always own a piece of my heart which is not with me anymore.  I am a different person because of them.  I thank everyone who has been so loving and supportive over these past two years.  I have found happiness and reasons to smile and though the pain of not having them here will always hurt, I am always learning to live around the pain.  While I don't want to write much more about baby loss and grief anymore, it may weave its way sporadically through some of my future posts.  I feel that I've said most of what I need to say on the subject.  I know that Jackson and Lily don't want me to be stuck in the past, and I finally feel free enough to move along in life without guilt.
I love you.  I will always miss you.  You have a piece of me with you, forever.  <3

Baby photo shoot

Happy Mother's day!!!  
As a gift to myself and the family, I really wanted to get some professional pics of Zachary done.  I never cared for the thought of a studio set, and while I LOVE the personal location shots, I just can't fathom forking out the money for them!!!  I know, I know...they are memories, but apparently I am surprisingly cheap when it comes to something I "feel" that I can do myself.  I know, I know, I am NOT a professional photographer.  I don't have a fancy camera, or the high quality editing programs...so my pictures never really look just like those nice family ones we see.  
Oh well, I did it anyways!!!  And I loved doing it!  I talked to Dave and made sure he'd be around and awake enough to help me, and gathered or fashioned some props for the photos.  My little model can be a bit "testy" at times, so I decided to catch him when he is is most happy which is right when he wakes up - at 6:30 am - on a Saturday!  Sorry babe ;)  Ask my husband how he feels about 6:30 am, I dare ya!  (Insert laugh till you cry emoji)
I used my iPhone and this really great iPhone editing app that I bought for about $10.  I love that the app has tons of filters but also lets me crop, light, adjust on my own too.  It's really fun and I feel like a pro!!!  Here are some of the shots.  If you don't like them, feel free to judge and laugh from afar.  If you do, well, I always like hearing good things ;)
I loved the hot air balloon idea!  I found it on Pinterest and the best part is that it matches the theme of Zachary's birthday party later this month - Vintage Travel!  I decided to cap his first year off with the same theme as his nursery.  I love the theme, I don't think he'll ever choose it himself when he is older so I'm choosing it for him now!  There are so many cute ideas too, I'm going to have a lot of fun with it!  Some of these I'll have printed for the part, because they are so cute.
Now, prepare yourself for reality.  It was just Dave and I and we aren't experts in baby wrangling for photos, but I love how they turned out so far.  I'm still editing some, but here are some great ones I have as of today!  I think I captured his crazy, exploring, inquisitive personality just perfectly!  Enjoy!

These next two photos right here are real life, why are they my favorite?  "Mom, I'm so done with your shenanigans!"

BTW the animal in the picture below is "Snow Luck Bear."  I bought him at Target right before Christmas for $5.  He is not very sturdy, being a $5 "bear."  The funny thing is, he isn't a bear at all, he's a dog.  He has a little snowflake on his tummy so I dubbed him "Snow Luck Bear" to bring us luck for a snowy winter (sorry, Maryland!) and after about a month we realized he a dog!!!  Oh well, the name has stuck and he is Z's favorite thing ever.  You should see him make out with him and sleep on top of him at night, it's hilarious!  Oh and I can't even handle that face...

These are just the sweetest ever, aren't they?  The photo he is holding is his newborn picture!  Wasn't that just yesterday???

 This picture is pretty typical of him, always exploring things, me always chasing after him.  Le sigh....

 "The pigeon wants a puppy" is Zachary's favorite book in the world right now.  It's the first book he has ever really shown active interest in.  We read all sorts of things to him, but this one I really act out and he loves it!  He cries when we are done and will open my hand and shove the book back in.  Next years party may have to be the Pigeon party ;)

 Thanks for checking out my photos.  Hope you enjoyed them!!  I totally forgot to get suitcase photos, so I'll have to do those another time!

Thanks to my little bumble bee, my rainbow who gives me the privilege to be a momma on Earth.  Its the best thing I've ever done!  

Mindfulness and baby

About a month or two ago, I noticed a pattern I was falling into.  You see, I work full time in the school system, Monday - Friday, from about 7:30 in the morning until around 4:30 in the afternoon.  I have two days off a week (weekend).  
My busy, rambunctious little baby Zachary goes to bed every night around 7 or 7:30.  This means that on week days I have a precious 2.5 to 3 hours with him.  The weekends are the only time during the school year, besides breaks, that I can be home with him all day and just enjoy being his mom.
What I noticed that day a few months ago is that I was too busy being "busy" during my Z time (i.e. time I should have been focused on him.)  I mean, I was watching him and making sure he was safe, but I was not mindfully there for him.  For example, I'd come home from school and need to run a ton of errands - Target, grocery store, post office, etc.  Most of my time with him was him being behind me in the car, strapped into his car seat.  Or, on the weekends I have to clean my house, right?  So Z would be in his pack in play or even safely playing in our family room, but mommy would be over organizing papers, clipping coupons, cleaning in the kitchen or even (gasp!) on her cell phone.  I was filling my Z time with other things than Z.  Or, I was with him but my mind was elsewhere.  What needs to be cleaned, what do I have to cook, what is everyone up to on Facebook...
Almost every day I realize how fast this whole thing is going, how fast Zachary is growing up.  He was just a teeny tiny baby, and now he is 10.5 months old.  While I try take a bazillion actual pictures and a quadruple billion mental pictures, nothing really takes the place of just BEING with him and ENJOYING him.  I had a complete breakdown that fateful day, crying because life is going too fast, he is growing fast and also wanting to go go go fast himself.  He seems determined to grow up, get bigger, master the next step in his development, and I just want him to be a baby!
That's when I decided that I had to CHOOSE to be in the moment with him.  I had to be more mindful about actually being with him, and letting him me the sole object of my attention.  The cleaning can wait until he goes to bed, and even then, if it doesn't get clean, who cares?!  It'll get done eventually, or I'll hire a maid.  Target is fun and all, for ME, but for him?  I try not to go so much, or I try to get my errands done on my way home from work when Dave or mom or someone can watch him.  That way I can whip around the store fast and get home to being with him.  Chores and errands and those monotonous parts of life in general can creep up on me and trick me into believing I have to get them done right then and there, but that is not true.  Sometimes chores and errands can't be helped, but since I've been more mindful of time with Z, I've found that 90% of the time they can wait.
My son needs me, right now and right here.  He will not be small forever.  He will not need me forever.  Soon, his face won't be so babyish, it'll still be sweet and the most beautiful face on this earth, but he will grow out of this adorable stage.  I just love sitting with him, playing with him on purpose.  I've been getting better at ignoring the call of the thousand things that need to be done around us.  When we play together on the floor of our family room, or his room, or his basement play area, or outside on our lawn...time seems to stand still.  Life stretches out and relaxes a little bit with us.  Zachary will choose to explore on his own still, but since I am there I get to WATCH him.  I'm noticing how he learns, how he explores objects with his hands and mouth.  I'm learning even more of his expressions and thought processes.  Its the most beautiful thing in the WHOLE ENTIRE WORLD.  Every now and then, he'll crawl over to me and throw those hands up for me to hold him, and I'm so glad I am there for it.  I'd be missing it if I was in the kitchen, or putting his laundry away!
I'm more in awe of him, more in tune with his needs, and time seems to be slowing down just a tad. 
I think this is true of anyone we love.  Life is so sneaky about creeping up on us and stealing our mindfulness and our joy of being with others.  The laundry, the cooking, the stupid (STUPID) cell phones (ok, I love mine and can't live without it, but it's STUPID!) they all take up space in our brains and scream at us constantly for attention.  But our loved ones, they may not always ask us for our attention.  I needed to re-learn how to just be with someone.  That's it, no other steps.  No TV, no phones, nothing.  Just me, him and the world around us to explore.  
Mindfulness is a choice.  If I don't choose it every moment, it's gone forever.  If I hadn't stopped my own world a little bit that day and realized what was going on, I may have missed so many precious moments.   
Zachary, baby boy, you are teaching mama so much!

I do keep my phone around, however, so I can catch these ridiculously cute moments... 

DIY bath bombs

DIY Bath Bombs

This is an overdue post but I wanted to share because these were so much fun to make!  Now that I know how to make them, the possibilities are endless.  

We had a wee little BLIZZARD here in Maryland about a month ago.  It snowed about 3 feet, and we were all stuck inside our houses for days.  Things got a little crazy, picture 'The Shining' but not just one family in a big hotel, but a couple thousand families in multiple houses!  No joke, the minute the plows started to get to the neighborhoods, the traffic in our town looked like Christmas Eve shopping traffic.  Er'body went CRAZY being stuck inside for so long!!  The snow was so fun and pretty though, I love a good snow storm.  And who wouldn't love being snowed in with a cute baby?!?!  Shameless plug for cute Zach pics...

 

He wasn't big fan of the snow, but who can blame him?  It's cold and wet and momma wouldn't let him play in it yet (because hello...it was taller than he is!) so we'll have to try again next time.

So, in order to save my family from a crazy wife/mom/stepmom, I got to work on fun little projects during our 2nd winter break from school.  I've been wanting to make my own bath bombs.  I got together a ton of supplies that a few different websites mentioned, but didn't end up needing everything here in the picture.

I landed on this recipe from The Beauty Bar, and it worked great.  If you follow that one exactly, but change what oil scents you use, you will love the result.  I wasn't sure how it would work with coloring these substances, but it was so easy, and hands work the best.  Sure it's a little messy, but it goes fast.  I made all 12 bath bombs during nap time...which was about an hour that day.

It was so simple.  Just mix, color, mix and then put into molds or cupcake liners, like I did.  You need to let them dry out over 24 hours, but then they are ready for use!  I wondered if they would hold up after drying and they totally did!

I am definitely ordering little molds for these so I can make legit "Lush-like" bath bombs.  Ashley and I are obsessed with LUSH, but we each spend about $40 every time we go...and that is way too pricey for 4 or 5 bath delights.  This is MUCH cheaper.  Healthier wallet = Happy Tina :)

This purplish-blue one is Lavender/Relaxation.  Here you can see it fizzing in the bath...it was so exciting!

I didn't make mine too dark in color, because I was fearful of staining the bath or myself, but I shouldn't have worried.  The color went down the drain with the water, no stains on either of us!

Let me know if you try them, and what scents you liked best.  Mine were Lavender/Relax; Green/Deep Muscle relief; and Rejuvenating/Lemongrass & Orange.  I need to work on some better labels.  Next time!

Enjoy!