Mindfulness and baby

About a month or two ago, I noticed a pattern I was falling into.  You see, I work full time in the school system, Monday - Friday, from about 7:30 in the morning until around 4:30 in the afternoon.  I have two days off a week (weekend).  
My busy, rambunctious little baby Zachary goes to bed every night around 7 or 7:30.  This means that on week days I have a precious 2.5 to 3 hours with him.  The weekends are the only time during the school year, besides breaks, that I can be home with him all day and just enjoy being his mom.
What I noticed that day a few months ago is that I was too busy being "busy" during my Z time (i.e. time I should have been focused on him.)  I mean, I was watching him and making sure he was safe, but I was not mindfully there for him.  For example, I'd come home from school and need to run a ton of errands - Target, grocery store, post office, etc.  Most of my time with him was him being behind me in the car, strapped into his car seat.  Or, on the weekends I have to clean my house, right?  So Z would be in his pack in play or even safely playing in our family room, but mommy would be over organizing papers, clipping coupons, cleaning in the kitchen or even (gasp!) on her cell phone.  I was filling my Z time with other things than Z.  Or, I was with him but my mind was elsewhere.  What needs to be cleaned, what do I have to cook, what is everyone up to on Facebook...
Almost every day I realize how fast this whole thing is going, how fast Zachary is growing up.  He was just a teeny tiny baby, and now he is 10.5 months old.  While I try take a bazillion actual pictures and a quadruple billion mental pictures, nothing really takes the place of just BEING with him and ENJOYING him.  I had a complete breakdown that fateful day, crying because life is going too fast, he is growing fast and also wanting to go go go fast himself.  He seems determined to grow up, get bigger, master the next step in his development, and I just want him to be a baby!
That's when I decided that I had to CHOOSE to be in the moment with him.  I had to be more mindful about actually being with him, and letting him me the sole object of my attention.  The cleaning can wait until he goes to bed, and even then, if it doesn't get clean, who cares?!  It'll get done eventually, or I'll hire a maid.  Target is fun and all, for ME, but for him?  I try not to go so much, or I try to get my errands done on my way home from work when Dave or mom or someone can watch him.  That way I can whip around the store fast and get home to being with him.  Chores and errands and those monotonous parts of life in general can creep up on me and trick me into believing I have to get them done right then and there, but that is not true.  Sometimes chores and errands can't be helped, but since I've been more mindful of time with Z, I've found that 90% of the time they can wait.
My son needs me, right now and right here.  He will not be small forever.  He will not need me forever.  Soon, his face won't be so babyish, it'll still be sweet and the most beautiful face on this earth, but he will grow out of this adorable stage.  I just love sitting with him, playing with him on purpose.  I've been getting better at ignoring the call of the thousand things that need to be done around us.  When we play together on the floor of our family room, or his room, or his basement play area, or outside on our lawn...time seems to stand still.  Life stretches out and relaxes a little bit with us.  Zachary will choose to explore on his own still, but since I am there I get to WATCH him.  I'm noticing how he learns, how he explores objects with his hands and mouth.  I'm learning even more of his expressions and thought processes.  Its the most beautiful thing in the WHOLE ENTIRE WORLD.  Every now and then, he'll crawl over to me and throw those hands up for me to hold him, and I'm so glad I am there for it.  I'd be missing it if I was in the kitchen, or putting his laundry away!
I'm more in awe of him, more in tune with his needs, and time seems to be slowing down just a tad. 
I think this is true of anyone we love.  Life is so sneaky about creeping up on us and stealing our mindfulness and our joy of being with others.  The laundry, the cooking, the stupid (STUPID) cell phones (ok, I love mine and can't live without it, but it's STUPID!) they all take up space in our brains and scream at us constantly for attention.  But our loved ones, they may not always ask us for our attention.  I needed to re-learn how to just be with someone.  That's it, no other steps.  No TV, no phones, nothing.  Just me, him and the world around us to explore.  
Mindfulness is a choice.  If I don't choose it every moment, it's gone forever.  If I hadn't stopped my own world a little bit that day and realized what was going on, I may have missed so many precious moments.   
Zachary, baby boy, you are teaching mama so much!

I do keep my phone around, however, so I can catch these ridiculously cute moments... 

DIY bath bombs

DIY Bath Bombs

This is an overdue post but I wanted to share because these were so much fun to make!  Now that I know how to make them, the possibilities are endless.  

We had a wee little BLIZZARD here in Maryland about a month ago.  It snowed about 3 feet, and we were all stuck inside our houses for days.  Things got a little crazy, picture 'The Shining' but not just one family in a big hotel, but a couple thousand families in multiple houses!  No joke, the minute the plows started to get to the neighborhoods, the traffic in our town looked like Christmas Eve shopping traffic.  Er'body went CRAZY being stuck inside for so long!!  The snow was so fun and pretty though, I love a good snow storm.  And who wouldn't love being snowed in with a cute baby?!?!  Shameless plug for cute Zach pics...

 

He wasn't big fan of the snow, but who can blame him?  It's cold and wet and momma wouldn't let him play in it yet (because hello...it was taller than he is!) so we'll have to try again next time.

So, in order to save my family from a crazy wife/mom/stepmom, I got to work on fun little projects during our 2nd winter break from school.  I've been wanting to make my own bath bombs.  I got together a ton of supplies that a few different websites mentioned, but didn't end up needing everything here in the picture.

I landed on this recipe from The Beauty Bar, and it worked great.  If you follow that one exactly, but change what oil scents you use, you will love the result.  I wasn't sure how it would work with coloring these substances, but it was so easy, and hands work the best.  Sure it's a little messy, but it goes fast.  I made all 12 bath bombs during nap time...which was about an hour that day.

It was so simple.  Just mix, color, mix and then put into molds or cupcake liners, like I did.  You need to let them dry out over 24 hours, but then they are ready for use!  I wondered if they would hold up after drying and they totally did!

I am definitely ordering little molds for these so I can make legit "Lush-like" bath bombs.  Ashley and I are obsessed with LUSH, but we each spend about $40 every time we go...and that is way too pricey for 4 or 5 bath delights.  This is MUCH cheaper.  Healthier wallet = Happy Tina :)

This purplish-blue one is Lavender/Relaxation.  Here you can see it fizzing in the bath...it was so exciting!

I didn't make mine too dark in color, because I was fearful of staining the bath or myself, but I shouldn't have worried.  The color went down the drain with the water, no stains on either of us!

Let me know if you try them, and what scents you liked best.  Mine were Lavender/Relax; Green/Deep Muscle relief; and Rejuvenating/Lemongrass & Orange.  I need to work on some better labels.  Next time!

Enjoy!

All things mom

Good morning!  It's 5:00 am! A certain someone woke up a bit early today, he was hungry, of course.  This little Valentine of mine is going through a growth spurt and getting 4 teeth at once!  So we had a bottle and he is back in his crib, Momma is currently trying to get him to fall back to sleep but so far, it has not been a very successful mission.  I keep trying to tell him that if it's dark outside, we sleep!  He hasn't gotten the memo yet, but hey, he is only 8 months old.  
I took a long break from blogging when I went back to work in September.  I needed the time to transition into a full time mom who works (lol, not a full time working mom.  I feel Mom-ing comes first, everything else comes second!)  It wasn't too bad a transition, although my heart definitely breaks every time I go to work now.  
Being Zachary's mom has been amazing and full of joy.  Yes, I guess you could say it's hard too, but I try not to focus on that part of motherhood as much as possible.  Those first few weeks are tough, but after that I think I got my groove.  Part of the hard is the WORLD.  There are so many things to worry about, so many opinions to dodge, so many reasons to think I am making a mistake with my child.  So many thoughts that can make me believe I am not a good mom.  Thankfully with Jesus and tons of prayer, we are getting through this parenting thing day by day and loving the adventure, whether we are good at it or not!
The lessons I am learning as a parent are beautiful ones too.  These lessons sometimes contradict what I felt I have always believed, or fly in the face of things that other people believe, but I am surprised to learn how much my love for this little person makes me just not care about what I used to think or what others think.  My house is usually always a mess, but I have learned to love that.  My space has been taken over by all things baby and you know what?  I love it.  If we all need sleep and that means Zachary sleeps (safely) between Dave and I?  We do it.  If I needed to stop breastfeeding at 2 months for everyone I love and their sanity (but mostly mine and Z's), that was a decision I made and haven't turned back since.  Being a mom, I've learned very slowly that I have to do what works for us, what makes Zachary happy, what makes me happy, and just go with it.  When my decisions are backed in love and prayer and doing what I think is right, I am much more confident about myself.  
I used to think we could spoil a baby, but I don't believe that anymore.  Zachary runs the show right now, and we are ok with it.  From he beginning until about a month ago, our world completely revolved around him and his needs and his schedule.  We are slowly starting to make a transition where his schedule doesn't rule us all as much, and where he can't get "everything" he wants anymore, but that is because since he has been mobile, he has been more demanding of things he can't have.  Things like climbing up the stairs, and putting trash in his mouth, and trying to drink momma's wine, lol.  It's a tough change when you have to start saying "no".  We are trying hard to say things like, "Not right now" or "Not for Zachary" or even "Maybe later!!"  You should see his face when we tell him he can't have or do something, what a little attitude!  We have to constantly tell ourselves not to laugh, because I am sure that will come back to bite us later when we really have to start disciplining!  
I have found that being a parent, especially after our loss of the twins, has come with so much happiness.  I love every.single.moment.  I can't wait to wake up and see him in the morning.  I can't wait to get home from school and hug him.  I try to do everything in my power to make this little human happy.  His smile lights me up from the inside like I never knew was possible.  I cherish every new sound, every new movement, and every one of those 4 brand new teeth.  Yes we have bad days, and times where one or both of us just need a sanity break, but overall we have so much joy in our little home because of Zachary.  God as truly blessed us, and we are ever so thankful.  
Zachary is 8 and 1/2 months now.  He grows before my very eyes.  One moment he is a tiny baby who sleeps all day, and magically he is now this little ball of energy who wakes up smiling every day, standing in his crib and waving to me as I come to pick him up.  He sleeps through the night most of the time, 10-12 hours.  He has been crawling since Christmas Eve, that was a truly special time.  He says all sorts of sounds, but the only coherent one is "Mama" which right now he says to everything but when he says it to me, or calls me, my heart melts in a million puddles.  At church a few weeks ago, during worship, he started singing.  This baby is so HAPPY, his smile can light up anyones day!  He eats all kinds of things, I gave up on making the baby purees about a month ago because he would rather pick up little pieces of whatever we are eating and feed himself.  I still spoon feed him yogurt, my homemade applesauce, and some of those Annie's soups.  He just loves all food.  He will still be formula fed until he is one, but let me tell you I can't wait for the day we don't have to make that stuff as much anymore.  Although I can't even think about him turning one in a few months, time goes way too fast when they are this little, doesn't it?  I think every stage so far has been my favorite stage, but this age he is right now has been so much fun.  He really is our little explorer and it's a honor to get to watch him learn and grow!
Now that he is a little older, I feel that I have time to do some of the things I used to love to do before we had this little monster.  I have time to read, I have time to be creative, I have time for friends and fun.  Of course, in the earlier months I DID have time for those things, but I chose to sleep instead!  Sleep was important to me when I could manage it, because I never knew when I'd be able to sleep again.  Anyways, I'm back to blogging about life because it's something I really enjoy!  There have been so many things I've wanted to blog about over the past few months, but the thought of actually doing it made me tired ;)  Now I think I am ready again.  I love sharing our life and little tips about love, life and parenting that I find along the way.  So I'll see you again really soon!
PS: The baby fell back to sleep, Praise the Lord!  I'm going to go drink some coffee in silence! ;)

Life, love and things

Howdy!
Well, I haven't posted in a while, but we've been a little busy around here with our wee little one.  He isn't such a wee one anymore, at almost 4 months, I feel like he is so grown up!!!  I know the baby stage lasts a while, but compared to what this whole motherhood thing used to be like a few months ago, he's practically am adult ;)  Those first few months are HARD...sleep deprivation should be the ONLY form of torture in the world.  It's no joke!  Thankfully, Z grew out of that around week & and has been happily sleeping through the night since.  Thank you, Jesus!

Oh my goodness, he is so much fun!  Yes this whole parenting thing is hard, but we really found our groove around month two.  I thought that going back to work last week would craze things up a bit, but honestly it hasn't been too hard.  Dave has to watch him all day for 2-3 days a week during the day while I am gone now, and my parents get him for 2-3 days a week too...so they all may have some adjusting to do!  Last week went very smoothly though, and I have complete faith in my family while they watch him.  I'm happy Dave gets that time with him now, because it's important for Z to have Dad-alone time.  My parents are totally happy to watch him too and seem to love it, so far;)  It all seems much easier than it should be, I'm waiting for the reality to set in!
For me, going to work in the morning is totally hard because I hate being away from him all day, but the work part is easy because I've been doing this job for 5 years now!  I love what I do, but being a mommy for 4 hours at night is rough, only because I wish I had more time with him.  I know that I am going to miss things, but I am mentally preparing myself for that.  And while I may miss his first something or other...there will always be the first time I see it, and it will still be special.  We will see. We are contemplating the whole stay-at-home-mom thing, but we have to work a lot out to make that feasible, and of course I LOVE my job so I'm not sure I could give it up.  But I get it, we talked about how it would be nice for me to be home with him and be the one raising him and taking care of the house and all those wonderful-sounding domesticated things.  
I also know it's very hard to be a SAHM too, so we are praying about it and seeing where God takes us this next year.

Z is such a fun baby.  I just love watching him grow and learn and interact with the world!  He has his little "diva" moments of fussing and attitude, but they are much more few and far between than a few months ago.  For the most part he is a happy baby, and I just love being a mom.  When we lost Jackson {and Lily} last year, the desire to be momma grew so big in my heart, I think in a way that devastating loss prepared me so much more than anything else could have.  Now, even when there are hard times or days, I don't sweat it that much because I know how lucky I am to even have this sweet little blessing.  It was a hard road getting here, emotionally, and I wake up every morning and look at Z's face and thank Jesus over and over for letting us have him, and keep him.  I hope His plan is for us to keep him for a very, very long time!
The direction of the blog will be ebbing and flowing from baby loss and pregnancy after loss to parenting after loss, but also to get back into being ME again.  By that I meant home decor, crafts and various projects.  I'm finding the ME in me again, after this rough year, and want to embrace it again. I am so excited to see what this new life and new year and new season of our lives brings.  There's so much love and happiness in our home again, not that there wasn't before, but the dark clouds aren't so bothersome anymore.  Of course, losing our first two babies, our twins, will always be an event that we remember and will forever be imprinted on our hearts, but I think that we have finally found our ways of living with the grief.  We aren't so crippled by it anymore, and we owe that to Jesus.  He has brought us through a really tough season of life, I honestly don't think I could have done it without Him.  Any of it...the loss, the intense grief, emotionally dealing with the pregnancy right after, the anxiety and fear of the unknown...all the way through parenting Z after it all.  He carried me, maybe even dragged me, through it at times.  I am so grateful!  I think the whole experience will help me be better, in everything I do.  Hopefully!

I understand that life can't always be butterflies and rainbows now.  I know tragedy and grief can strike at anytime.  I know that I have limited days with the people I love, even on this Earth myself.  That helps me, and shapes me, and gets me through the mundane and the hard times.  I really strive to be a better wife, mom, stepmom, daughter, etc, because of it all.  It sounds so cliche, but thats the truth.  Life is HARD, parenting is HARD, babies are HARD, but I know with my Lord, my family, and my friends I can get through anything.  No one is immune, and so life should be all about love, as much as possible!
I appreciate everyone who has walked through this year with my family and I.  I love sharing my life here, I absolutely LOVE sharing Zachary with you, and I hope you continue to enjoy sharing with me and walking on this beautiful journey called life with me!  
Cheers!

Your Story: Zachary

Zachary David Bland.  05/29/15.  8 pounds, 7 ounces.  20 inches long.

If you would have told me that one short yet loooooooong year later I would be writing the birth story of my live baby, I don't know what I would have done.  I wish I could go back and tell that Tina that this would be our next chapter, our happy ending AND our bright new beginning.  I wish I could tell her that the sadness of losing her baby may never go away or fade, but that she would get stronger and able to live with it and around it.  I wish I could tell her that things would not always be so sad or look so depressing.  I wish I could tell her that in a years time, she would be holding her rainbow baby...that she would be tired and emotional, but completely head over heels in love with him.
This is the story of Zachary's birth.  It was a long time coming.  My pregnancy seemed like the blink of an eye, yet while it was happening it dragged along like one tedious and anxiety ridden ride.  Looking back, I had a really great pregnancy.  The only problem was my head - the fear and the anxious days and nights, the tears that would come when the dark thoughts would take over.  Physically, it was really ok.  I was hardly sick in the beginning, I never really felt that huge or gained that much weight, I never got too swollen or retained much water.  I had the diabetes and the high blood pressure, but honestly that was all very manageable and both of those issues have resolved themselves for now.  My docs seem to think I may always struggle with those problems, but for now I am ok.  Mostly by the end I was just tired.  I loved being pregnant when I could feel him moving and those days that I felt confident that this baby would make it, that my body would win this time.
The night before my C Section was a little rough.  We went out to dinner to Bertucci's, but I barely ate.  We tried talking about what Zachary would look like, we tried talking about other things, we tried talking through what would happen the next day...nothing really helped.  Sitting there in that restaurant, I remember thinking that I couldn't handle the stress and the emotion of it all.  I didn't want to live through another baby dying.  I knew that the chances of something bad happening were actually probably very small, but still...when you live through it once, it's hard to not think about it.  After our pizza came and I ate like a bird, we paid our check and headed home.  
I remember that night being strangely normal for us.  We talked with our families about the plan for the next day, we packed our bags, I vacuumed our room while Dave did some chores downstairs - we wanted the house to be clean and ready for us when we returned home, I think we watched some TV but I honestly can't remember what it was.  Fixer Upper, I think?  I went up to take a bath and got in bed to watch Big Bang (our nightly ritual) and Dave come up and rubbed my feet and back.  We prayed and prayed.  I was surprisingly tired, and I think I was asleep by midnight.  I slept through the night, I don't even think I woke up to pee, it was a miracle.  
The next morning, our alarms went off at 5am.  It was the day!!!  I remember the excitement running through me, taking over the stress and the fear like waves.  I was going to meet my baby!  I got in the shower and sat there for about 30 minutes, praying and listening to United and just trying to visualize me in recovery with Zachary and my family all around me. That picture, that happy vision, got me through the whole thing.  If I focused on that, everything else sort of melted away.  Dave got up and got ready, we did some last minute things around the house, then we fed and kissed Frodo and were out of the house by 6:45.  We had to be up at the birth center by 7:00.  
The day was perfect.  It was sunny and the skies were a beautiful blue.  I remember seeing the sunrise over Route 24 as we turned to go the Upper Chesapeake and thinking that it was so lovely, and I told Dave that I thought that was Jackson's sign...telling us that we were going to be ok that day.  Dave put on the song "Rest in you" by United and we prayed some more, and by the end of the song we were parked in the garage and ready to go in.  
I told Dave I didn't think I could do it.  He, once again, threatened to drag me in there, that he would if he had to.  We were having our baby that day!  We walked into the birth center and had to sit while someone else checked in.  Mom and Dad came early to sit with us, and finally we were ready to be admitted.  It felt so surreal, and I pushed out the memories of when we had to do that same process knowing we wouldn't be bringing a baby home.  Then, the lady that checked us in said we were to go into triage.  I kissed mom and dad and told them I'd see them soon, the stress on their faces was obvious too - they knew I'd be ok but the fact that I was going into surgery was hard for them.  Mom said she wanted to be right there, in that room, with me as much as she could be while I was going through it.  I told her to go home, to rest.  She had barely slept the night before, and Dave was with me, I had to convince her we'd be ok.  I told her I'd need her to be awake and alert for Zachary, because we'd both be very tired and someone would need to hold him all afternoon;)
As soon as we walked into our room, our nurse popped in.  Jesus has a very funny sense of humor, because it was the very same nurse that checked us in when we had Jackson.  The nurse we didn't like, that didn't acknowledge our baby's death and who asked us a ton of questions as I was choking on tears and trying to grasp the fact our baby was gone.  Dave looked at me as if to say, "I will go and get us a new nurse immediately."  When she left the room briefly I told him no.  I said that we had her for a reason, and I was willing to see that reason through.  I am glad I did.  This time around, she was as sweet as can be.  She was calming and peaceful, and reassured me every step of the way through the prep, the surgery and the recovery.  I'm glad we had her and have a better memory.

Dave and I in triage, prepping for surgery...

Another nurse came in to help with the prep, and she did my IV this time around (with Jackson, my nurse that needed redeeming had to stick me about 8 times to get it right!  Thank goodness someone else did it this time)  For a C Section prep there is no room for modesty!! They mad me strip right down in the gown but flipped it all the way up to shave my tummy and surrounding areas, feel the baby for position, strap me to a monitor and a bunch of other things.  That was just the beginning of me understanding that when you have a baby, everyone is really all up in your business.
Dr B came in and we reminded him, per his request the day before, to check Z's head position in an ultrasound to make sure he was still head down (since he had flipped back and forth within a week!) so it was really sweet to get to see him on the screen just about an hour before we met him in real life.  I remember Dr. B saying something like, "See ya real soon, mom!" as he was moving the wand over my belly.  
The anesthesiologist came in to introduce himself and talk me through what would happen in the OR.  He was really sweet, and had a really thick accent, maybe Russian or Ukrainian?  He totally reminded me of someone on Alias!  We asked him some questions and then he told us he would see us in the OR.  All too soon, 9:00 came around, go time.  My nurse came in and had me get up and wheel out my IV.  Dave had his own "nurse" to help him prep and guide him down to the OR.  The problem with c sections is that your husband can't go in with you at first.  I had to walk down that hallway and into that room with my nurse, without him by my side.  They all assured me that he would be in there in about 10-15 minutes, but that was a looooooong time to go without him, especially with all scared I was, on top of how jittery I get in hospitals.
I have never been in an OR before.  It was terrifying.  A small room that looks like a box, cold, no windows, with the scariest machines and tools around.  As I walked in there, guided by my nurse, I burst into tears.  All the nurses in there swarmed around me, helped me up on the table, and the one OR nurse came and put her arms around me and stroked my head and back and told me to cry it out until I relaxed.  The anesthesiologist came in and got started right away, these people don't waste anytime.  The mood of the room was happy, and relaxed, and that helped me calm down.  They all were wondering why I was so stressed out, so I told them...last year I lost my baby, he died.  They all comforted me and told me they were sorry, but that this baby was alive and well, and I'd be meeting him soon.  As the doc put my spinal in, the sweet nurse kept her arms around me.  I hardly felt a thing, just a pinch and then the slight cold sensation running up and down my body, and then my legs went numb.
Within a minute, I was laid out on the table, the blue screen was up in front of my face and my arms were laid out in a "T".  I asked if Dave could come in yet and they said not quite yet.  Dr. B came in, all in his surgery garb and flashed his badge at me so I knew it was him.  He comforted me and told me that Zachary would be out soon!  They prepped my belly, I felt some tugging, they hadn't cut in yet but I guess they were feeling for the baby and rubbing that surgery stuff on there.  I started to feel sick and the docs rushed to get more meds in me, and the nausea passed quickly.  The doc told me that was very common.

Dave in his outfit!  Waiting to come in to the OR

Finally, Dave was allowed to come in.  He was all decked out in his protective garb.  I felt the meds coursing through my body.  They started the surgery, and sort of talked us through some of it.  I didnt feel anything, thankfully.  I always had this fear I'd be the one to feel it.  I kept asking Dr. B if Zachary was ok, if he was alive.  I think I may have asked it a dozen times.  Each time, they all said he was.  Dr B even said once that he was fine, but they were trying to find the rest of him, lol!  He was so far up in my belly, they had to vacuum him out I think, which I didnt even know they could do in a c section.  In hindsight, I am glad we elected to have him this way, because he would have never come out of me even if I was induced.  It would've taken 40+ weeks for him to come down far enough to be birthed the regular way, and with all my risk factors, that may have been too late.  God was always watching out for us.  This was the right decision.

Me, scared but ready.  Let's do this...

I felt some serious tugging and pulling, and my body was moving around a lot but again, I didnt feel much else.  I became very nauseous two other times during the whole process, and they fixed that quickly.  Dave told me afterwards that one of those times was very scary, but he didn't tell me at that time.  He was watching my vitals and my BP dropped crazy low, and I lost a ton of blood.  The doc told us after that I lost twice as much as normal for this type of surgery, but that they got it under control right away.  That was the reason for me feeling so sick.  
I kept saying out loud, "I just want to hear him cry!" and finally, at 9:42, he did.  I heard a nurse yell, "Happy Birthday!!!" and I even looked over at the digital clock on the wall and saw the 9:42 as they announced it.  He came screaming into this world, just as I wanted.  Dr. B popped him over the screen and yelled, "Hi mom!  I'll be right back!!!" and my first words were, "Oh my, he is so gross!!"  Everyone laughed.  Z was covered in blood and all that normal birth stuff, but that first peek of him was the best thing I'd ever seen.  Dave kept saying how he was so cute and so small, 8 pounds and 7 ounces, and I told him to go...go over there and be with him as they cleaned him up.  

He's here!!

All cleaned up

I could hear Zachary screaming and the tears came running down my face.  That cry was the most perfect sound in the world!!!  I had a baby!!  He was alive!!  Again I asked if he was ok, if he looked healthy, and the nurses all said he was healthy and just the most beautiful thing ever.  His APGAR scores were 8 and then 9, basically the best we could ask for.  I saw Dave round the corner back to me and he was holding him.  He put Zachary right up to my face and I kissed his cheek as he screamed, it was the most beautiful and surreal moment of my entire existence.  I just met my son face to face for the first time.  It's all I have dreamed of this past year.

Daddy holding him for the first time

They had to fix me up a bit before I could hold him, so Dave sat with him by my head for a few minutes.  Then, the nurses came over and unbuttoned my gown so we could do skin to skin and they placed him on my chest for the first time.  Z was finally calm, sleepy, and it felt like the most natural thing in the entire world, having him lay there on me.

Our first pic with Zachary

Getting him out only took about 15 minutes, but stitching me back up took longer.  I think we were done all of that by 10:30, they transferred me over to my bed, and wheeled me to the recovery room.  I was surprisingly awake and aware, and all too eager to get my hands on Zachary again.  
The next few hours were a bit of a blur.  Dave went and got Ashley and she came to meet her brother.  They gave him his first bath while I took pics from my bed.  My parents came back, Dave's mom and Grammy came back, and Jonathan and Krystal.  Everyone fell in love with him immediately, who couldn't?  We told everyone to meet us back in the room in a few hours, I had to stay in recovery to be monitored.  They all went to get lunch.  The lactation consultant came in and I breastfed him for the very first time.  It was so wonderful, it breaks my heart that we couldn't keep it up like that, but at least we had that sweet memory.  He needed a lot of help latching on and staying latched, but after we got it he stayed there for about 45 minutes.  It was perfect.

Our first family pic.  Don't mind my swollen arms and face!  Surgery will do that to ya!

Ashley and Daddy giving Z a bath.

Recovery from birth with Mommy.

When it was time to move to my room, we asked which room we would be in so we could tell our family.  My nurse told us, "14".  We looked at each other.  Room 14 was the very same room I gave birth to Jackson in, I'll never forget it.  Again, Dave asked if I wanted a different room and I said no.  This was happening for a reason.  God wanted us to have a happy memory in there, and maybe even give Zachary a sweet connection with his angel brother.  Just like God wanted us to give that nurse another chance.  I'm glad we didn't argue about it, because my memories of that day are sweet and wonderful and I wouldn't want it any other way.
We got into our room and our families returned.  Everyone gathered around Zachary's bassinet and took turns passing him around.  He did great, no crying at all that day and endured the baby passing game beautifully.  As everyone was together and holding him and talking, I took that mental snap shot.  It was the picture I had visualized in my head all week, of my family and I rejoicing together, drinking in this new little being and all being euphorically happy that he was finally here.  My body did it this time around, it was healthy enough and strong enough to build this baby and get him here safely, all with the help of God and lots of prayer!  A new baby is such a joyous occasion, and a baby after a loss is somewhat of a heightened experience.  Zachary is someone we have waited a long time to meet and hold, and there he was finally, here with us and ready to take us on the most amazing adventure of our entire lives.

My world!

Proud Janou and G Pop

Aunt Krystal and Uncle Jonathan

Grandma helping with a change of diaper

We love you Zachary, and the day you were born is one of the happiest memories all of us will cherish forever.  Your birth was a miracle, you are a miracle.  All that anxiety and fear, all those sleepless nights and wondering if we would make it...it was all worth it!  God got us all through it!
It's hard to believe that woman have healthy babies all the time, hard when you've been through what we have gone through, but this is the norm, not that.  Our docs and team were awesome, and I am so happy we stuck with them and trusted them with Zachary and my well being.  I couldn't have asked for a better experience, or a better birth story this time around.  I'll remember it and cherish it for the rest of my life. 
The next few days after his birth were a little rough, but that is another story for another time! 

Z and I, earlier this week...

Thank you, Jesus, for giving us our Rainbow baby!!!