June 22, 2014

God is not done with me...

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My dear friends,

Of course, I want to blog about it all.  I really do.  I just can't bring myself to type it all out.  Not just yet at least.  But I will, oh I will.  I feel like I NEED to, like it is a calling that I just can't ignore.  I have to get Jackson's story out there, for me...for you...and for all the other moms out there whose babies are not here anymore.  I've lived through two whole days of not crying, and I want to keep it that way for now.  If I tell you his story, I'll cry.  I know that crying is ok, and it's part of the process, but when I can hold myself together, however loosely that is, I like to keep it that way.  I know the blinding-can't-breathe pain will be back for me soon.  Maybe I can write about him then.

It's not a secret that throughout my whole pregnancy I couldn't get excited.  Not like other pregnant moms, I was happy and I was so ready, but there was always something holding me back.  I could barely talk about it outside my family.  It felt like it wasn't happening to me.  I felt like a fraud.  Who knows why that is?  Maybe God was preparing me?  Maybe, somewhere in the depths of my soul, I knew how this would end?  I just don't know.  But I couldn't get to a place where I felt safe, I couldn't get excited, and I certainly couldn't write about it.  The few times I told our baby stories on this blog, they were stories of fear and pain and anxiety, and how God was working IN us and hopefully THROUGH us during those 5 precious months.  I couldn't bring myself to write about anything else either.  Two weeks ago, I almost posted about our gender reveal party, and our plans for the nursery...and now I am so glad I didn't.  I feel like a fool, and that would have made me feel even more foolish.  I had dared to hope that after week 20 I was "safe".  Now I know, we are never safe.  Life is so fragile, and it can be taken away so fast, even before we are actually born.

Our baby was LOVED, is still LOVED..  Both of our babies are LOVED.  I can't even begin to describe the LOVE I have for Jackson.  And for Lily.  Yes, we named Baby A 'Lily'.  We talked about her for a while, not broadcasting the name or the fact that we don't even know that she was a girl, but the name has been in my heart since we found out she was gone at 8 weeks, and that is how I have been quietly mourning her since.  After we were told she didn't have a heartbeat, we managed to hold ourselves together, for Jackson, knowing that we still had one healthy baby growing, but now with the loss of Jackson, the pain of her loss has magnified.  I keep thinking...

I am a mom.  I have two children.  Two babies.  Neither one of those babies are here on Earth anymore.  But I am a mom.  

Isn't that weird?  I've joined so many 'clubs' in the past few months.  The pregnant club.  The twin club.  The loss of a twin club.  The mom club.

And the club that no one ever wants to be a part of, the "that can't happen to us" club - the stillbirth club.

Ugh.  Stillbirth...born sleeping...I hate all those words.  Yet they are etched into my life forever.  Along with memories of pain and pushing and him...memories I want to forget yet never want to let go of all at the same time.

God is working in me.  I know that He is.  I know that He is my hope and my strength right now.  He has given me permission to cry and scream and grieve in ways I have never imagined.  He has told me it is ok to BE MAD at him.  I am not mad at Him, although plenty of my family and friends are.  I just don't understand Him.  Part of me is so flattered that He thinks I can handle this type of life crushing situation.  Part of me is just wondering why it had to happen this way, this late in the game, or at all.  I know I won't ever understand.  I am not OK with that, but that is OK.

I guess my hope through all of this is that our story can speak to others, can help others, and can give us and others hope.  A dear old friend wrote us a beautiful card this past week, and his words couldn't be more true..."your love for him existed, a truth that can never be undone.  That shared loved was part of the world, and it changed the world and I, for one, am grateful for it."

How beautiful is that?  If our love for Jackson, and Lily for that matter, can be part of the world and change it...that is something I can hang on to.  That means it all wasn't for nothing.  There is a purpose, a meaning behind this terrible thing that has happened to us.  I can do something with that.

I know it's hard to figure out what to say to us right now.  I know it's hard to hear about our pain and struggle.  I hesitate to even share or write about it.  But that doesn't seem right.  I can't just sweep it all under the rug in fear of people not wanting to hear a sad story.  Jackson's story demands to be heard, it is screaming at me from the very core of who I am.  I promise him every day I will tell it.  I just need to be ready.  It has to be right.  Right now, I am comfortable staying in bed and reading Harry Potter and keeping it all to myself.  But I know it can't be that way forever.  I have to live it and feel it and grieve him and then do it all over again.  And again.  And I will.  But not just yet...

Our family and friends have been awesome.  Supportive and wonderful.  Dave has been a rock for me, he grieves too of course, but he has been keeping up with our house and regular life things and convincing me to get out of bed for this or that, and it helps.  All of it helps.  Each day I wake up helps.  I know God isn't done with us, He is not done with me...

Thank you for all the support and prayers, and like I have told everyone, please keep them coming.  I am not afraid to ask for them, because I know we really need them right now.