September 14, 2015

Life, love and things


Well, I haven't posted in a while, but we've been a little busy around here with our wee little one.  He isn't such a wee one anymore, at almost 4 months, I feel like he is so grown up!!!  I know the baby stage lasts a while, but compared to what this whole motherhood thing used to be like a few months ago, he's practically am adult ;)  Those first few months are HARD...sleep deprivation should be the ONLY form of torture in the world.  It's no joke!  Thankfully, Z grew out of that around week & and has been happily sleeping through the night since.  Thank you, Jesus!

Oh my goodness, he is so much fun!  Yes this whole parenting thing is hard, but we really found our groove around month two.  I thought that going back to work last week would craze things up a bit, but honestly it hasn't been too hard.  Dave has to watch him all day for 2-3 days a week during the day while I am gone now, and my parents get him for 2-3 days a week they all may have some adjusting to do!  Last week went very smoothly though, and I have complete faith in my family while they watch him.  I'm happy Dave gets that time with him now, because it's important for Z to have Dad-alone time.  My parents are totally happy to watch him too and seem to love it, so far;)  It all seems much easier than it should be, I'm waiting for the reality to set in!

For me, going to work in the morning is totally hard because I hate being away from him all day, but the work part is easy because I've been doing this job for 5 years now!  I love what I do, but being a mommy for 4 hours at night is rough, only because I wish I had more time with him.  I know that I am going to miss things, but I am mentally preparing myself for that.  And while I may miss his first something or other...there will always be the first time I see it, and it will still be special.  We will see. We are contemplating the whole stay-at-home-mom thing, but we have to work a lot out to make that feasible, and of course I LOVE my job so I'm not sure I could give it up.  But I get it, we talked about how it would be nice for me to be home with him and be the one raising him and taking care of the house and all those wonderful-sounding domesticated things.  

I also know it's very hard to be a SAHM too, so we are praying about it and seeing where God takes us this next year.

Z is such a fun baby.  I just love watching him grow and learn and interact with the world!  He has his little "diva" moments of fussing and attitude, but they are much more few and far between than a few months ago.  For the most part he is a happy baby, and I just love being a mom.  When we lost Jackson {and Lily} last year, the desire to be momma grew so big in my heart, I think in a way that devastating loss prepared me so much more than anything else could have.  Now, even when there are hard times or days, I don't sweat it that much because I know how lucky I am to even have this sweet little blessing.  It was a hard road getting here, emotionally, and I wake up every morning and look at Z's face and thank Jesus over and over for letting us have him, and keep him.  I hope His plan is for us to keep him for a very, very long time!

The direction of the blog will be ebbing and flowing from baby loss and pregnancy after loss to parenting after loss, but also to get back into being ME again.  By that I meant home decor, crafts and various projects.  I'm finding the ME in me again, after this rough year, and want to embrace it again. I am so excited to see what this new life and new year and new season of our lives brings.  There's so much love and happiness in our home again, not that there wasn't before, but the dark clouds aren't so bothersome anymore.  Of course, losing our first two babies, our twins, will always be an event that we remember and will forever be imprinted on our hearts, but I think that we have finally found our ways of living with the grief.  We aren't so crippled by it anymore, and we owe that to Jesus.  He has brought us through a really tough season of life, I honestly don't think I could have done it without Him.  Any of it...the loss, the intense grief, emotionally dealing with the pregnancy right after, the anxiety and fear of the unknown...all the way through parenting Z after it all.  He carried me, maybe even dragged me, through it at times.  I am so grateful!  I think the whole experience will help me be better, in everything I do.  Hopefully!

I understand that life can't always be butterflies and rainbows now.  I know tragedy and grief can strike at anytime.  I know that I have limited days with the people I love, even on this Earth myself.  That helps me, and shapes me, and gets me through the mundane and the hard times.  I really strive to be a better wife, mom, stepmom, daughter, etc, because of it all.  It sounds so cliche, but thats the truth.  Life is HARD, parenting is HARD, babies are HARD, but I know with my Lord, my family, and my friends I can get through anything.  No one is immune, and so life should be all about love, as much as possible!

I appreciate everyone who has walked through this year with my family and I.  I love sharing my life here, I absolutely LOVE sharing Zachary with you, and I hope you continue to enjoy sharing with me and walking on this beautiful journey called life with me!  


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