June 28, 2014

Identity Crisis

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So I'm having an IDENTITY CRISIS.  The definition of IDENTITY CRISIS is a period of uncertainty and confusion in which a person's sense of identity becomes insecure, typically due to a change in their expected aims or role in society (Thanks Google!)

I find myself in a situation where I have no idea who I am anymore.

Spoiler alert, this blog may contain examples of how well I am NOT doing sometimes, it's not all strength and hope over here, you know;)  I may sound bitter, I am apologizing ahead of time for that. I'm all about being real here, you know that!

Anyways.  A few weeks ago I was pregnant, in my second trimester.  I was thinking about spending my summer in the shade, sipping lemonade, planning and decorating a nursery, and growing bigger by the day.

Well, life slapped us in the face and that is no longer true.

When I thought ahead about work in the fall, it was all about who was going to sub for me, and getting ready to hand over all my lessons and groups and kiddos to someone else.  I was planning on being out of work, taking care of a baby, from around October to Christmas.  I was excited to have that time off with my family, during the holidays.

Nope, life slapped us in the face.

I never bought any summer clothes this year, I only bought maternity stuff, or a things a few sizes bigger because I knew I wouldn't fit into anything as my belly grew.  None of my new stuff fits me well anymore.

SLAP!

I was ready to join the ranks of woman all over who have big round baby bellies.  Now my belly is back to it's normal size.  I was ready to have an October baby, October is my favorite month!!  Nope, not anymore.  I actually dread October now...

SLAP SLAP!

I get so angry at any pregnant woman I see right now.  No, no, not really.  But I am immensely jealous of them.  Terribly jealous.  I'm not usually a jealous person.  My life is usually really, really great.  I just wish I was pregnant still.  They all walk around (seemingly) blissfully unaware of how easily it can change...like it did for me.

SLAP!

Ok, alright.  I get it.  Life changes.  We have to adapt and change with it.   This whole, huge, beautiful life that I was preparing for is no longer happening.  I can shop for and wear normal clothes.  I can get a tan.  I can drink wine.  I can count on a whole year of work and pay during the 2014-2015 school year.  Am I happy about all this?  No.  Not at all.  I'd rather have the baby back, actually, thanks.  But it's happening this way, and I have to get used to it.  There are people who may think, "geez Tina, just get over it already!"

I am trying to get over it!!  I am trying to figure this all out.  Only now, I am just not sure of who I am?  I'm terrified to be normal.  I'm terrified to be alone.  I'm terrified driving by the hospital.  I'm terrified going out...to Target or the grocery store.  What if I see someone I know?  How do I explain this crisis I am going through?  Who will be the first to ask me how the pregnancy is going?  Or, if they haven't heard and they realize I am NOT pregnant anymore, who will be the first to ask what happened?

Before we got pregnant, life was good!  But...It's not like I can just snap and POOF, everything goes back to pre baby life.  I wouldn't want to anyways because as terrible as all this is, I can't forget about my pregnancy or Jackson, or Lily.  They were such a huge part of my life and who I am now.

But why can't I just be myself anymore?  I guess I am just not ME anymore.  I'm this whole new person.  With a whole new story, and possibly a whole new view on life and what my purpose is!  I am not Tina anymore.  But I am.

I guess part of this is just the grief?  After a few more weeks or months, things will be normal and parts of me and my life will be familiar again.  Right?  But I know there are parts of me and my life that will never be the same.  Everything is all shaken up and I am not sure what it will look like when it settles down again.  That worries me.  I was always a person who know who she was, knew want she wanted, and felt confident.  I am not that person anymore.

Identity crisis....

Yesterday Dave & I went to this great vintage sale near our home, and as we walked in SLAP - there was everything and anything I wanted to decorate Jackson's nursery.  I couldn't get over all the perfect items that were in there that fit our theme better than I could have imagined, I left in tears...

Today mom and I went to BJ's and parked next to the spot that said "Moms with Infants" SLAP - the last time we parked near there we talked about how we would be using that spot soon.  I didn't cry, but I wanted to...

Last night we were at the hospital and SLAP I looked up and saw that someone was in my room where I gave birth, room 14, and I wondered if they were going through what I went through and I ached to be up there with them if so...

On our OBX vacation in a few weeks, I can drink, and swim in the ocean, and ride bikes, and actually go on a jet ski...but it's all a slap in the face.  I have to re-plan...

I'm really trying.  I promise.  Everyday there are little tiny victories.  I do laundry.  Or I carry something heavy.  Or I go out on my own.  Or I just get out of bed.  I am trying.

I have to figure out who I am again.  I have to figure out where I fit in the world again.  I have to figure out what my purpose in life is now.  I have to find motivation to get stuff done.   I have to learn how to be around people again.  It's so weird.  All these things that I never had to worry about before.

I'm praying very hard for Jesus to help me figure all this stuff out.  He reminds me everyday that this whole situation doesn't define who I am, it just fits into who I am already.  I don't really get that, but He is helping me.

I guess my goal right now is just to feel, and heal.  Feeling is part of the process, and I need to cry and scream and think and remember and get used to who I am now that this has happened.  I can't push the process, I can't make it go any faster or slower, and there is no right or wrong way.  It just has to happen.

All the while I have to keep living.  I have to keep taking steps to get back to a different but normal life.  Each day I try to set a new goal.  Sometimes the goal is to shower.   Sometimes the goal is to go out because I know Dave needs to get out of the house.  Sometimes its to unload the dishwasher or vacuum the bedroom.   Sometimes it's letting Dave go to work.  I am hoping, after a while, these little goals that I make for myself will turn into normal life again, and my goals will be something bigger, something meaningful again.  I hope!

Writing about it all helps me figure it all out, so thanks for listening to me rant;)  I know life can be beautiful again, I know that it already is, so I am working hard to see it and appreciate it and get on with it again...