April 21, 2015


Well, I've been pretty quiet here on the blog for the past month.  Each time I wanted to write, I felt a little overwhelmed.  Being pregnant after losing Jackson (and Lily) has been such an emotional roller coaster, and sometimes I just don't notice the ups and downs until they are over.  For the past month, after each week went by I though...eh...I'll wait until next week, just in case something happens.  I didn't really realize that I was losing steam or faith, but now that I look at it, that is what was happening.  I'm not sure if it was my baby showers on the horizon, or the thought that all my testing would be starting soon...but I let fear in again, without even realizing it!
So much has happened in the past month too!!  We painted the nursery, we put up the crib, we bought a dresser, we had TWO showers, we decided on his name (Zachary David, we can't wait to meet you!) and have had tons of doctor appointments.  I feel so out of touch with talking about him, and updating you, and figuring out how to feel and how to think.  It's just overwhelming.  But I'm back, ready to blog my way through the last few weeks we have left.
Let's start there!  Today I am 33 weeks.  How did I get here?!  It seems to have gone by so, so fast.  I'm so lucky, and blessed, to have made it this far.  Achieving 33 weeks gives me lots of hope, tons of hope, actually.  I know I am not out of the woods yet, I know Zachary isn't either, but if he were to come into the world this evening, he has a heck of a great chance of living!!!  Yay!!

Here is the size of his hand right now, according to my app :)

The doctors have started me on twice a week testing, every week from here on out.  For the next 5 weeks at least.  5 weeks!!!  Can you believe that?  5 weeks from today is May 26th.  5 weeks from today I will be 38 weeks.  5 weeks, this baby could be in my arms.  I could be posting pictures for you!!
They are starting to really talk about when they will induce us, because they will induce me...they definitely won't let him stay in me past 39 weeks, but 38 weeks seems to be the new magic number.  I told the docs that as long as he is growing well, and he is big and healthy enough for them, that they can get this kid out of me however early they want!  I just want him HERE, alive, in my arms!  

So...every Monday morning, and most Thursday afternoons (sometimes mornings) I go up to UCMC and have non stress tests and fluid checks done.  I've been to three of these appointments so far, and while I am a nervous mess each time, I do leave with so much relief and hope.  Each appointment is just another milestone that I can check off my mental list.  Zachary seems to be doing well, and I think that if there was any hint of a problem that these appointments will help us find it.

At our growth scan two weeks ago, he was measuring 1.5 weeks ahead of schedule - which could be from the diabetes, or it could totally be normal.  Lots of "normal" pregnancies measure ahead.  He weighed 3 pounds and 15 ounces two weeks ago, so you can bet this child is over 4 pounds now.  Last week when they did another scan for my fluid and the biophysical profile, his sweet little legs looked so chubby!  He's packing on that fat:)

Physically, I feel great.  I'll get tired on some days - especially on work days, and have to rest a lot and go to bed early, but other than that it's been uneventful.  Last week I had a little bout of nausea here and there, but other then upping my anxiety it didn't really bother me all that much.  I can't really complain about anything, other than the stress.  And I am really trying hard NOT to stress.  I keep busy, or I pray, or I do something to prepare for Zachary in spite of those terrible thoughts and voices that try to scare me.  I feel good about it all, really good, and I hope that is a good sign.  I can't believe that I will be a mother to an Earth baby, and very soon!  

What will being a mom of a live baby be like, I wonder?  What will the birth be like?  We decided not to take any classes, which may seem silly or dumb to a lot of people, but for me I know it's the right choice.  I think it will only make me anxious to plan too much, and to even be in the hospital for anything other than what I have to do.  I have been through a labor experience before, and while I know it will be LOADS different with a bigger, almost full term baby, I know what to expect.  I know what the birthing center looks like, I know that labor hurts, I know what to ask for and when to ask for it, and I feel pretty confident.  My doctors have pretty much told me that if I ask for a C-section, they will do it.  If I want to labor and medicate, they will let me.  I tell them that I'm going in there with an open mind, but if I suspect an issue, I want them to c-section him the heck out of me.  I'm not one of the types that wants my body to do its job as a woman or a mother, I really don't care.  I'm not going to stress myself, or Dave or my family, out with those silly details when the BIG picture is just to get Zachary out of this body ALIVE and well.  That's all I care about.  

I'm going to go into the hospital, and I am going to have a baby.  I'm trying to keep it as simple as that!  It may be complicated, it will be scary, but God is in control, and I am along for the ride however HE decides to use me.  I know a lot of people feel differently, but for me...that is it.  I'm going to have a baby.  However that happens!

For now, Zachary and I are doing very well.  I am enjoying feeling him move in my belly, and last night he even played with me a little bit.  He poked out of the right side of my stomach, and I poked him back, and we did that back and forth for a few minutes.  It sorta freaked me out, in the sweetest way possible.  I don't know if he was doing it on purpose or if he even understood that I was communicating with him, but it was cute.  I am enjoying each day with him, and hoping that our days together aren't numbered.  Well, I know that they are numbered, but hopefully that number is really big, and not small.

Thanks for all the love, prayers and support.  I can really feel the village rallying behind us, and I can't even express how much I appreciate it!  I can't wait to share Zachary with all of you!  I'll be back later this week, maybe with a shower update (we have had two amazing showers!), or maybe with a nursery update (it's really coming along!) but I won't be a stranger anymore, I promise!
I hope everyone has a wonderful, relaxing night.  Sending hugs to you all! <3
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