December 31, 2014

Goodbye 2-0-1-4

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There are only a few more hours left of this year.

This year...

A year that I can't wait to say goodbye to, yet I want to hang on to so badly at the same time.  I want to put as much time between me and Jackson's death and birth as possible, but I also need to go back to that day so I can hold him more and stare at him and memorize his hands and toes and everything about him.

I got through Thanksgiving and Christmas fine, better than I thought I could.  I was joyful, and happy, and didn't think too much of the little soul that was missing.  But not today, something is off.  Something is eating away at me.  I think it's that I am going forward into a year where Jackson doesn't exist, but where he should exist.  I'm leaving him here in 2014.  I am feeling some weird sort of separation that I can't do anything about.  I just have to move on.  Without our baby.

This year has been the hardest of my life.  I never thought I could live through such a loss.  Not just any loss, but a loss caused by something in my body.  A death that occurred...not beside me or in a bed in a hospital, but right here inside of me.  It was so...personal.  Devastating.  How can people live through things like that?  Oh I know there are much worse things in the world, but for me, in this safe little area and in our sheltered Bel Air world, it was world rocker.  Life changing.  Almost life ending, from the intense hollow darkness called grief.

This year has given so much to me though, in spite of the loss.  I am stronger, I am wiser, I am more mature, I'm done with being caught up in silly, stupid things that others around me may be hung up on.  Just give me my family, and life in our bodies, and really...that's it.  I can live without everything else.  I am closer to God too, not nearly as close as I should be, but way closer than I was before him. I hear Him, I feel Him pushing my spirit to do things or say things or pray for people - the connection is better.  Some of the junk has been cleared away.  I am thankful for that.  When you live through this type of loss, lots of things burn away.  I like that I can focus more, feel my purpose growing in some ways, and I just feel more centered as a whole.  

I feel centered, but still a giant mess.  Life is springing forward to 2015.  A year that will bring who knows what?  There is fear fighting to get into my life from all angles, so much fear.  It's trying to break down the door that I have built on God and with God these past few months.  I fight it constantly.  Loss.  Grief.  Despair.  Fear.  I am tired from battling them all the time, but I can't give up.  I think that is what I feel today.  I am very tired.  I have been fighting for a long time.  I want rest.  I pray that God helps me find it.  He has carried me through so much, and I know He will continue to do so.

So here's to 2015.  New starts, new beginnings, new meanings...and hopefully a year filled with joy and happiness no matter what happens.  I love my life, despite all that's happened.  We are blessed, we are whole even though we are broken, we have a great family and wonderful friends.  We have so much support all around us.  God has been good to us.  God has and continues to get us through this, and God has blessed us again and again beyond what we deserve.

To my sweet Jackson - 2014 wasn't all bad, because it gave me you.  I will carry you in my heart for all the years to come.  2014 was your year, and the time you were here was good, and happy and filled with love.  I hope you know that.  I miss you more than I can even explain, more than I can stand to measure, and I love you with all of my heart.  Little Lily, gone way too soon and whom we never ever got to meet alive, we miss you terribly.  What would life had been like with twins?  I wish I knew, but can only imagine now.  Take care of your brother.  xoxo.

Have a wonderful, safe and blessed New Year!

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