There is NO part of this life of mine that God doesn't use to teach me more about Him. Losing Jackson was hard. It was the hardest thing ever, of course. But being pregnant so soon after losing him? That's hard too, just in a very different way.
The first few months were easier. I know that miscarriage is common, and I prepared myself for it. Actually, I was almost expecting it...I'm not sure why, maybe because I am a sick freak? The doctors wanted to see me at 6 weeks, but I flat out refused. I told them I wasn't coming in until I absolutely had to, because I wasn't going to attach myself too early. They told me 9 weeks was the latest they wanted me to wait. So then, we got passed the 9 week check up with the ultrasound and hearing the heartbeat, then we passed the 12 week "safe milestone" and then I had to stop explaining to myself that losing the baby at that point was "normal". Now, if we lose the baby, its not normal. It's against the odds. Losing Jackson at 21 weeks was against the odds, and he is all I know and understand of pregnancy. It was not normal.
I just want a normal pregnancy. It's all I want! Now, as we fly past the 18 week mark (each Tuesday I have a mini celebration that I've made it another week) I can feel FEAR creeping in ever so slowly. The baby is only getting bigger. I'm getting more attached with every kick and bounce. If I lose him or her, it will only get more painful. I'm only 3 weeks away from the point in the pregnancy where Jackson died. Can you believe that? Already, we are only 3 weeks away from my own personal D Day.
So God is gently reminding me, every minute of every hour of every day, to choose LOVE. Not FEAR. He does not want me to have a spirit of fear, but I am so so afraid. I have very little control over what is happening in my body right now, and that terrifies me. I have to surrender it, every single minute. I have to overcome it, every time I go into the bathroom. The bathroom is one of the scariest places in pregnancy after loss.
I have to tell myself it's ok to love this baby, it's ok to hope for this baby, its ok to PLAN for this baby. Isn't that odd? And a little terrible? That I have to choose to do that!?
I do...I do love her (or him) and I do hope, and I do plan...but then there is the voice of fear telling me to be careful, to slow down or stop completely. 21 weeks is 3 weeks away. The anatomy scan, where we could find out the HUNDREDS of things that could be wrong with our baby, is 2 weeks away. Forget about being excited about finding out the gender. I am a terrified mess. How do I silence the knowledge of everything I know that could be wrong? How do I not cry at each and every appointment? How will I get through an anatomy scan where the tech will have to go silent to check and measure the baby and not be able to tell me about the problems? Then, they will have to go get the doctor, possibly the exact same doctor that told me Jackson was gone? And we will wait...How will I live through that?
Then, I remember...God doesn't give me anything I can't handle. If I couldn't handle this pregnancy, this soon, God wouldn't have allowed me to be pregnant. And honestly, if God didn't think I could handle another loss, He wouldn't have allowed it then either. So, no matter what happens, God already knows that I will get through it. He has faith in me, so I need to have faith in Him. But again...God thought I could bear losing Jackson, what if he feels that way about this baby too? Is it ok to hope? Is it ok to get attached? Is it ok to tell God..."Um...please no, I can't handle another loss. Or even if there is something wrong. I can't get through that this time around. I know you think I can, but I really can't!!"?
I have to say yes. It has to be ok to hope and attach and LOVE. Because this baby, our rainbow baby, she or he deserves to be loved. They deserve to know and feel LOVE for as long as God allows them to be on this earth. I have to choose it, every time I think about it, I have to choose LOVE over FEAR. I have to tell the fear to go to Hell, literally, because that is where it comes from. My God does not want me to fear.
When I allow myself to hope and think about this baby, I am so excited. I am so happy. I am so honored that God is giving us another chance at this. I can't wait to hold her (or him) and decorate our nursery and rejoice with our family over our little miracle. That is what our baby deserves, to live and grow inside a mama who is happy and ready for them. When I think of it that way, it isn't so hard to choose LOVE. No matter what...and I know it's a real possibility that something could be wrong, and that something bad may happen, I know all too well...but still our baby deserves LOVE even in the midst of all of that. So I am choosing LOVE over fear...over and over and over again. Hourly, daily, whatever it takes. I am choosing LOVE no matter what, too. Bound for earth or bound for Heaven, my baby deserves it.
You hear that, Baby Bland #3? I love you, a whole lot. No matter what. xoxo...