January 27, 2015

The 21st week

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I battled with myself all day as whether to post something tonight or not.  I felt like writing about it would jinx us, but then I had to remind myself that I don't believe in jinxes.  So, I am getting over it and writing a little something.  Writing always helps me feel better, and sort through my crazy.  

It was on this day last June, the exact 21 week mark (which was also a Tuesday) that everything went terribly wrong in my pregnancy with Jackson.  Right before Dave left for work, my water broke.  It was the beginning of the end.  Tuesday, that evening after calling the doc, we went to the birth center and were sent home with more questions than answers.  Wednesday, at a follow up ultrasound, we found out he was gone and were admitted.  Thursday he was born, and taken away from us in the physical world.

I know that this time around is a different pregnancy.  It's so hard not to compare these pregnancies.  I know I put this all in my own mind, and make up these "milestones" all on my own...but it's hard not to think about today.  It's impossible to push from my mind.  Everything is similar as far as the timing, the days, the scan.  Everything is different too.  I'm worried, but only because my memories are making me so.  Not because I actually have anything real to worry about as of yet.  I do it to myself.

I keep reminding myself that today, this time, I feel peace.  I was able to enjoy Baby Boy bouncing around in there all day.  We had a two hour delay from the non-weather, and I have a pretty fierce head cold, and work was busy...and for all that I am glad.  It all kept my mind running on other things.  When I got home, I told myself over and over not to be afraid of the bathroom, not to be afraid of resting in bed, like I was doing that night.  The night still isn't over, but I feel peaceful.  Yes the memories are hard to fight, but the peace is stronger.  It's ok to remember and reflect, but I have to remember this time is different.

I think it's just that I miss Jackson a lot today.  This day was our last together, when I was pregnant with him.   I found myself talking to and thinking towards Baby Boy more than ever today, maybe just in case.  Every day he should be able to feel my love and excitement for him, instead of being scared of him and for him all the time.  I don't want this to be our last day together.  I want millions of days together.  This time is different.

I'm sure this week will pass without problems, but I can't be certain.  No one can be.  I'm learning to live with that, to live with whatever God's plan is.  Sometimes its to bless us and let us be happy, sometimes it's to get us through really tough times.  Who knows what God's plan is for us this time around?  I'm faithful, no matter what, but I have hope that this time we will have a happier ending.

In honor of this day, I finally hung up all of our Jackson and Lily Memorial artwork.  I've been meaning to hang it all since October, but I either didn't have the energy, or the heart, to do it.  Last night Dave helped me create the space, and we now have a sweet little spot to blow kisses at our angels, as we go up and down our stairs. 

I used one of my three shelves that I built,  I am so proud of myself for building them!  It's the little things;)

My BFF, Heather, made the Lily & Jackson anchor shadow box, and I made the top two pictures and memories for our memorial.  The two pictures on the shelf on either side of the anchor are beautiful name artwork from Carly Marie.

They are an extension of our awesome gallery wall, which I created and hung two years ago.  Um, I need to update all of those pictures!!

Here's a shot with our striped hallway.  Don't mind the doors, hardware, and railing.  It's all going to be updated!  It's on the to do list, that's never ending;)

I love having the memorial stuff hung now, so that Jackson and Lily actually have a spot in our home.  I thought they may be hard to look at over and over, but that is not the case.  They have always been a part of our lives since their lives began, so having the pictures up doesn't make that any different, it just makes my heart happy to have a spot to honor their short and sweet lives and what they mean to us.  Forever & always.

So, here's to the wonderful memory of the two angel babies that made me a momma.  Here's to the new life growing inside me that I hope to meet face to face in June.  While my feelings are all over the place tonight, I am just going to take this week one minute at a time, and be thankful for all that I have and all that I have been through and all that I am learning.  

I can't wait to experience the last half of my pregnancy, since from here on out I have no idea what to expect.  I like that from this point forward, it all seems to be new...and different.  God please bless us and this new little life you have given us.  Get us through the next 4 and a half months safely, and happily.  And give me peace tonight as I reflect on all that has happened, and all that is coming.  Thank you!

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