This week has been an emotional roller coaster! Zachary is already keeping us entertained and on our toes, so I wonder at what his little personality will be like when he arrives.
I guess I should start with our appointment last Thursday. I go in twice a week for non stress tests, and fluid checks. Last week when we were at the office, we found out that Zachary had flipped into the breech position since the week before. This is unusual, for a baby to be head down that late in the game, and then flip himself back up. But...nothing is normal with me, so I just went with it. It made the decision of "how" he will come into this world a little easier, we were looking at c section. They gave us the option of trying to turn him, but the docs say that the procedure is not always effective, is extremely uncomfortable, and usually ends up in a c section anyways. We weren't interested. I've been saying all along that if a c section is the way to get him out to my arms safe and healthy and happy, then let's do it.
Monday we went back for our tests, and he was still head down. My BP was a little elevated, and my fluid level increased quite a bit since Thursday. Neither situation was an emergency, but signals that an earlier delivery is going to be better for everyone. My docs want 38 weeks, the high risk docs say 39 weeks, but there are all these variables that everyone has to take into account: borderline BP, the diabetes, the fluid levels, his position, the extreme anxiety of the mom...etc. At that appointment, my doc told me it was time to stop work, and to get some R&R before baby gets here. This was a little bit of a shock, because I really wanted to make it through this week to prepare, but oh well. It's actually surprising how easy it's been for me to "check out" and just focus on getting ready for Zachary. I am getting extremely tired each day too, so not working helps me get more done around here!
At that Monday appointment, they ordered some tests to be done to check to make sure all was totally good, and told me that they wanted me to come back on Tuesday for another BP check. All the tests came back ok, all organs and systems functioning well, no protein in urine, all good signs. Then, when we went back on Tuesday, my BP was still a little elevated and I anxiously shared with them that I hadn't felt as much movement from him that morning. Well, that got us sent over to L&D quick!! I think I was just overly nervous on Tuesday, both Dave and I had let him move around 5:30 am that morning, but sometimes I get in my head and worry myself to death, and the doctors don't take that lightly. For which I am very, very glad. They sent us down for more monitoring, and that was a blessing in disguise because we got to see Dr. Bellantoni, and he walked us through all their thoughts about our case and what to do about delivery. I can tell he really wants to get this baby out of my asap, as soon as we are sure it is safe for Zachary and for me, and in the best way possible for both of us. There are so many factors to take into account, and he told us that once again their team would be discussing our case at their Wednesday meeting. He was very sweet, and always knows how to calm me down. He told us that Zachary looked great on the monitors and my BP came down a little, so they sent us home.
I was very emotional on Tuesday. Tears came as we left the hospital. I felt scared and overwhelmed, and very nervous about every little thing. I want to know that Zachary will be ok, I want to know when he will get here, and how. I am afraid of giving birth again, I guess because last time was so sad, and so painful. I am afraid of pain, I'm afraid of having surgery. I am actually afraid of having a live baby, even. I have no idea what to do with a live baby! What if I am a terrible mom? What if I can't bond with him, because of Jackson? What if...what if. I want to be brave, I want to have faith, its just so difficult for me. I am scared.
Yesterday, I started feel better. I prayed a lot over the past two days, and I know that whatever I can't handle, God can get me through. I know that most moms feel scared their "first" time around. I am convincing myself that worrying about the baby dying or something going wrong does not HELP anything, so I am not allowed to worry about it anymore. I have to believe that this time will be different, and that we will have a happy ending. If I keep my mind and heart on that track, I'm not so scared.
Today we went in for our testing again, and Zachary has flipped back to head down! Can you believe it? This kid is all over the place! Our regular OB nurse just laughed. Apparently, yesterday in the meeting with docs, they decided to go ahead and schedule my C section for Tuesday! 38 weeks! But now...that he is head down, that changes everything, again. Zachary is keeping life interesting for all of us. My fluid is still a little high, so he could flip back to breech. They want us to come into L&D on Saturday for another check to see where he is, possibly do an internal check to see what my body is doing, and do the non stress and BP checks too. I am very glad they want us to do this, because going into the holiday weekend, I am worried that a lot can change in 4 or 5 days. I'm used to getting seen every 2 or 3, and going in on Saturday will keep that schedule up.
Depending on what they see on Saturday, they will either schedule the C section for Tuesday, or let me keep all my regular appointments for that day. I see the docs in the early am, followed by a non stress test, followed by a trip down to St. Joes for a growth scan. Depending on how all of that goes, we will schedule either an induction or a c section for that week. Possibly that day. Possibly Wednesday.
No matter what, it looks like we are going to have a baby by next week...
That is still sinking in!
I am going to have a baby by next week!?!?!
Oh, how our lives are about to change and turn upside down in so many ways!
I am so grateful to be here, I am so thankful that we have gotten this far. I am so thankful for my docs and the team of people trying to figure out how to deliver this precious baby into our world as safely and as quickly as possible, and as healthy as can be. I have been blessed by my sweet family, and all of our friends and acquaintances and all the prayer warriors out there. What a ride it's been! I am most grateful to God for getting us here, and keeping me as sane as possible throughout the process - when I can get out of the way enough for Him to work His love and good and peace in me. Sometimes, if I really concentrate, I can hear Him telling me that everything is going to be ok. That Zachary and I are healthy, and he will arrive happy and whole, and that we will be blessed.
I am hoping that is His word in my heart, and not just my own nonsense. I think back to when I was in labor with Jackson, at the most painful part before they talked me into the epidural, and how I heard God telling me over and over your blessings will be abundant...I remember how loud and strong that voice was, and I am praying that this, a happy and healthy baby boy, is what He meant.
We will keep everyone updated, for sure. I'm going to try to get everything done in the nursery so I can share that post. It really is the sweetest room in our house, I am so happy with out it turned out! I have to hang some shelves and pictures, and I need to buy some books for him, but it's 90% done. I can't wait to share it!
Thanks for all the love and prayers and well wishes, we love you all! <3