May 28, 2015

Thoughts & Nursery

Tomorrow is the big day!!!  At 7:00 am, we are getting up, heading to the hospital, and having a baby around 9:00.  

I'm trying not to think of the million things that could go wrong.  I'm trying not to think about the last time when we walked out of that hospital, broken, without a baby.  I'm trying to have hope and faith.  I'm trying to constantly remind myself to give this awful, extreme fear to God.  

It's very hard, you guys.  It really is!  I wish I could explain it, or describe how this feels.  But then again, I don't want you to feel it!   I want you to pray for me, and have tons of hope and faith and love for me!  

I'm leaning on my own tiny string of hope and faith, and my strong and optimistic husband, and my beautiful and faithful friends and family...but mostly God and His power and LOVE, to get me through this.  

If I think about what I have to go through tomorrow, I become incapacitated with fear.  Panic, anxiety attacks, tears, etc.  

I know that it's the devil, trying to get me down.  I know it's evil forces, trying to steal my joy in this SHOULD BE happy event.  It's a raging battle.  A crazy, scary storm.  Jesus calms it down, but then it starts to rage again.  I really want to have joy.  I really want to be over-the-moon excited.  I really do!!  But the thoughts of all that could go wrong...ugh.  The curse of pregnancy after loss.  It's going to be a long, long night...

Then, I think about the end result.  I think about the prize I have waiting for me at the end of this journey.  I think about Zachary, and the fact that at this time tomorrow,  I could actually be holding him!!  I could have a healthy, happy baby in my arms!  Surrounded by friends and family.  Oh my goodness, what a beautiful picture that is!!  I want it so badly.  I am praying so hard that I get that miracle.  That beautiful blessing.  I hope that at some point in the last year, I've done something good, somewhere, to deserve it.  I pray that this is our abundant blessing!

Today we have filled our day with last minute things.  We had our pre op visit with Dr. Bellantoni.  He was so calming and so reassuring, and that was very helpful for me.  I'm so nervous about having a C section, but I know millions of woman do this every day, and I know it's the healthiest way for Zachary to come into this world.  I trust God in that, and I trust my doctors, and my own gut feeling.

We had another non stress test at the office today, which Zachary passed just fine.  He's alive in there, and doing well.  We did some running around, and we ate lunch and dinner out of the house since we will be in the house for a long time after we bring him home.  We got some cleaning and organizing done too.  

Tonight, we will pack our bags and get things ready for our time at the hospital.  I'm cuddling with Frodo, because although Dave will be here on and off a lot over the next few days (my family and his family too) to be with him, I will not be.  He will not like that!  This cat has no idea what is about to rock his world;)

Finally, I wanted share Zachary's nursery.  It's not completely done yet, we still have to add a few things here and there, but it's as done as it's going to get for now.  I am so happy with how it turned out, it is just perfect!!  So here you go...

As I have said before, the "theme" we wanted was vintage travel/little explorer.  We chose this because Dave and I have serious wanderlust, and want to see the whole world together.  We want our little guy to have the same craving for travel.  We are going to take him everywhere!

The world decal was a pain to put up, but we love it.  I ordered it off Easy.  We are going to add some words to this wall too, we just have to pick the perfect things to say:)

The chest of drawers is from IKEA and let me tell you, it's the best thing we bought for this room.  The drawers are roomy and big, and there is tons of room for diapers and clothes and all the millions of things that babies need.  I'll share pictures of my organization of that when we get home.  The top we will use as a changing table.

The crib is a hand-me-down from my sweet friend, Janet.  I love it, and I love that we didn't have to pay for a crib!  They are expensive!!

These suitcases are from my Mother in law and Ashley.  The globe is from my mom.  The little chest on top is from a dear friend, Emily.  I love the "travel pizazz" they add to the room.  One day, they will be useful for storing things too!

The plane hanging from the ceiling is from one of my BFFs, Katie Mac.  I built the little white shelves, and filled them with sweet things that friends gave us, books, or pieces we found for the room.

Here is the changing station.  We are going to probably do mostly cloth diapering, but we received a TON of disposables at all of our showers, so we intend to use them all up too.  I hear that newborns don't fit in the cloth ones right away anyways, so it all works out!

This isn't a great pic, but here is another white shelf that I built on the other side of the window, filled with books.  Dave and I went to Goodwill yesterday and spent $6 on about 20 books for Zachary.  We have Disney stories and Bible stories and train and travel stories, we are all set!  Why buy NEW books, when you can get so many for way less than the cost of one?!?!

The photos hanging over the crib were a gift from my mom.  They are pictures of vintage planes, boats and balloons.  I bought IKEA frames and painted the mattes the same blue as our accent wall, and I love how it helps the prints pop.  Perfect!

Another shot of the crib and prints.

Accent wall with plane and shelf.

This closet gave me a ton of trouble.  It has this weird slanted floor, because of our stairwell being underneath it, so a regular closet organizer didn't work here.  I think I tried 3 or 4 organizers before I found one that worked.  This is an IKEA one, and when I found it and got it to work, I cried.  The closet is stocked and ready to go for Zachary!

Another shot of crib.  The wall looks yellow here, but it's really a cappuccino creamy vintage color.

Closet up of the crib.  The bear (which will come out when Zachary sleeps in there) is our Jackson bear.  We are giving him to Zachary as a sweet memory of his older brother in Heaven.

Sorry for the bad lighting, but here is the view from the door.  The glider is from Target.  The curtains, which were sent to me straight from Heaven, are from Home Goods.  I looked and looked and looked for these exact curtains for months.  They had to be the right color blue (deep navy to match the wall) the right length, and I didn't want to spend too much on them.  We miraculously found them at HG for $30.  Yes!!!!

So that is Zachary's sweet little nursery.  It's small, but it's perfect for him.

Thank you to all who are praying for us and sending us good and happy thoughts tonight and tomorrow.  You all are carrying me through this, I couldn't do it without you!!  We'll post updates and pictures as soon as we can!  


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