November 12, 2014

How are we doing?

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Hello world!

Sorry, I sort of dropped away after an intense month of over sharing my grief and journey.  I'm taking November very s-l-o-w-l-y since last month was busy and sad and enlightening and so many other things that I am way too tired to verbalize right now.

School has been crazy.  In a good, but crazy way.  I go to work all day, leave around 4pm, come home and make dinner, hang with my family and then rest.  Most nights I'm in bed watching Big Bang by 8pm!  It's totally wiping me out!  We had a complete change in administration, which was surprising and sad, but we are getting through with new leaders that are great.  Not only that, but things are busy because the year is getting going and kids are getting into slumps because of friends or grades or many other things, plus American Education Week is next the whole school seems all on edge.  Lots of stuff going on.  But I love being busy, so it's good.  It's just exhausting.

How are we?  Really?  We are doing ok!  Honestly, I feel more like myself again.  No, not like the babies never happened, but more like I am daily conquering the heart ache and pain left by their loss, so much that I feel it more as love and peace than anything else.  I do what I do because of them, I do what I do for them.  That makes me want to be happy, live happy, make others happy. 

I kept waiting for a mental break down to happen.  Like the loss of Lily and Jackson would suddenly hit me again, and knock me down.  Now, I'm not sure that's going to happen.  I know a lot about PTSD, so I'm on the look out for any signs, but I honestly think I've been miraculously spared in that area.  I did a lot of grief work over the summer, all the way up through last month, and I continue to do so...and I think that helps a lot to ward off any PTSD symptoms.  When you deal with life, face it head on, feel it and think it and let it take you and experience it, well...I just think that is the healthiest way to deal with bad or sad things.  If I pushed it down, pretend it didn't happen or something crazy like that, I'm sure I'd be so much worse off.  God has helped me get through it in a healthy way, and I pray that I can continue to do so.

I was afraid that the holidays looming in the distance would be depressing this year, seeing as we should have a tiny baby right now.  Honestly?  I don't think of it that way at all anymore.  That "alternative life" that I kept thinking about is totally gone.  I am living in this reality and I can look at my life and love and enjoy it and feel blessed, even though we've been through something tough.  I'm excited about Thanksgiving, which is always one of my favorite times of the year (due to my birthday being close, its that Monday and yes I am accepting gifts! LOL) and totally ready to start getting into the Christmas spirit.  I'm begging Dave to get down the Christmas decorations now!  I'm also totally all about making Christmas crafts too, I'm starting a few fun things this weekend.  Is it too early for a tree?  I want a tree!

I am thankful that the terrible loss we dealt with this year isn't feeling so terrible anymore that we can't enjoy ourselves this season.  My babies are in Heaven, and that's a great place for them to be.  We are here, missing them of course, but I know we will be together again one day.  I take a lot of comfort in that thought!

So, no worries if you don't hear a lot from me this month.  I'm tired and busy, and trying to enjoy life, as crazy as it is!  I'll be back soon to share special things that we will be doing for Jackson and Lily during the holidays, how we are integrating them into our traditions now that they have made a huge impact on our lives.  I'll also be sharing all my fun holiday cheer and craftiness, if I get it all together and what not.  I do love this time of year, don't you?!  :)

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