Choose Love, not Fear

There is NO part of this life of mine that God doesn't use to teach me more about Him.  Losing Jackson was hard.  It was the hardest thing ever, of course.  But being pregnant so soon after losing him?  That's hard too, just in a very different way.
The first few months were easier.  I know that miscarriage is common, and I prepared myself for it.  Actually, I was almost expecting it...I'm not sure why, maybe because I am a sick freak?  The doctors wanted to see me at 6 weeks, but I flat out refused.  I told them I wasn't coming in until I absolutely had to, because I wasn't going to attach myself too early.  They told me 9 weeks was the latest they wanted me to wait.  So then, we got passed the 9 week check up with the ultrasound and hearing the heartbeat, then we passed the 12 week "safe milestone" and then I had to stop explaining to myself that losing the baby at that point was "normal".  Now, if we lose the baby, its not normal.  It's against the odds.  Losing Jackson at 21 weeks was against the odds, and he is all I know and understand of pregnancy.  It was not normal.
I just want a normal pregnancy.  It's all I want!  Now, as we fly past the 18 week mark (each Tuesday I have a mini celebration that I've made it another week) I can feel FEAR creeping in ever so slowly.  The baby is only getting bigger.  I'm getting more attached with every kick and bounce.  If I lose him or her, it will only get more painful.  I'm only 3 weeks away from the point in the pregnancy where Jackson died.  Can you believe that?  Already, we are only 3 weeks away from my own personal D Day.
So God is gently reminding me, every minute of every hour of every day, to choose LOVE.  Not FEAR.  He does not want me to have a spirit of fear, but I am so so afraid.  I have very little control over what is happening in my body right now, and that terrifies me.  I have to surrender it, every single minute.  I have to overcome it, every time I go into the bathroom.  The bathroom is one of the scariest places in pregnancy after loss. 
I have to tell myself it's ok to love this baby, it's ok to hope for this baby, its ok to PLAN for this baby.  Isn't that odd?  And a little terrible?  That I have to choose to do that!?
I do...I do love her (or him) and I do hope, and I do plan...but then there is the voice of fear telling me to be careful, to slow down or stop completely.  21 weeks is 3 weeks away.  The anatomy scan, where we could find out the HUNDREDS of things that could be wrong with our baby, is 2 weeks away.  Forget about being excited about finding out the gender.  I am a terrified mess.  How do I silence the knowledge of everything I know that could be wrong?  How do I not cry at each and every appointment?  How will I get through an anatomy scan where the tech will have to go silent to check and measure the baby and not be able to tell me about the problems?  Then, they will have to go get the doctor, possibly the exact same doctor that told me Jackson was gone?  And we will wait...How will I live through that?
Then, I remember...God doesn't give me anything I can't handle.  If I couldn't handle this pregnancy, this soon, God wouldn't have allowed me to be pregnant.  And honestly, if God didn't think I could handle another loss, He wouldn't have allowed it then either.  So, no matter what happens, God already knows that I will get through it.  He has faith in me, so I need to have faith in Him.  But again...God thought I could bear losing Jackson, what if he feels that way about this baby too?  Is it ok to hope?  Is it ok to get attached?  Is it ok to tell God..."Um...please no, I can't handle another loss.  Or even if there is something wrong. I can't get through that this time around.  I know you think I can, but I really can't!!"?
I have to say yes.  It has to be ok to hope and attach and LOVE.  Because this baby, our rainbow baby, she or he deserves to be loved.  They deserve to know and feel LOVE for as long as God allows them to be on this earth.  I have to choose it, every time I think about it, I have to choose LOVE over FEAR.  I have to tell the fear to go to Hell, literally, because that is where it comes from.  My God does not want me to fear.  
When I allow myself to hope and think about this baby, I am so excited.  I am so happy.  I am so honored that God is giving us another chance at this.  I can't wait to hold her (or him) and decorate our nursery and rejoice with our family over our little miracle.  That is what our baby deserves, to live and grow inside a mama who is happy and ready for them.  When I think of it that way, it isn't so hard to choose LOVE.  No matter what...and I know it's a real possibility that something could be wrong, and that something bad may happen, I know all too well...but still our baby deserves LOVE even in the midst of all of that.  So I am choosing LOVE over fear...over and over and over again.  Hourly, daily, whatever it takes.  I am choosing LOVE no matter what, too.  Bound for earth or bound for Heaven, my baby deserves it.  
You hear that, Baby Bland #3?  I love you, a whole lot.  No matter what.  xoxo...

PAL should be labeled "Anxiety Disorder"

First let me say a huge THANK YOU to everyone's wonderful comments and thoughts and prayers for us after our big announcement on Thursday.  We are so lucky to have a community praying for us and routing for this little baby!
When we first found out we were pregnant, Dave & I both didn't want to tell a single soul besides our closest family.  There was no way we were parading the news around this time, only to lose another baby.  Dave still feels that he could wait until June to tell people, but I don't have that luxury since the belly is already growing.  It's growing faster than last time!  Anyways, as I thought about our fear of telling people, I started feeling like that wasn't the way to go.  Yes, it's hard losing a baby and then telling people I've lost a baby and then FACING people who know I've lost a baby...but it's also healing and helpful too.  We had a lot of support when we lost Jackson, and I'm not sure how we could've gotten through that without it.  As the Christmas holidays got closer, I felt that this week was the time to share with the world.  We've told a handful of people as we became more comfortable, and more confident, and it got easier with each person we shared with.  So I am glad we decided to tell the world, because we have another community lifting us up and praying for a healthy baby.
I didn't expect to be pregnant so soon after losing Jackson.  It took us almost 2 years for him and Lily, so when doc told us that we were safe and ok to try again after 2 months, we figured it would take us a while, maybe even a year.  I can't even explain the pool of emotions that came with that positive pregnancy test back in September, but I can tell you one thing - anxiety moved right into my heart and our home.  
I once read that Pregnancy After Loss (PAL) was like being handed a diagnosis of an anxiety disorder.  That is the absolute truth.  While I can get by most days by either be excited about this baby, or just not thinking about her (or him, but we think its a her.  We have a 50/50 chance!) if I am feeling anxious, the doctor appointments are brutal.  Extremely brutal.  With Jackson, every doctor appointment seemed to bring heartache....twin with no heartbeat, Jackson's gestational sac was small, awful exams because of the bleeding, etc.  That was my first experience in the pregnancy world, and the innocence was shattered.  
I'll never be a blissful, naive, excited pregnant mom, and that breaks my heart.  Something has been stolen from me.  Being in the baby loss community, I know almost every single thing that can go wrong in a pregnancy.  I've met moms who have been through hundreds of different problems and lost their babies...cord accidents, preterm labor, Trisomy diagnoses, fatal neural tube diagnoses...if something has killed a baby, I know about it.  I don't regret meeting these moms, or pouring over their stories, because it got me through our loss.  I knew I wasn't alone, even though for a while I felt it because no one around me in my life could really get it unless they and their bodies had been put through it.
The problem is now, that I have to pack up all that knowledge and try to have faith that our baby will make it this time in spite of all the things I know that could go wrong.  I am really struggling, especially at the doc appointments.  Up until yesterday, each appointment went as well as can be expected.  There's only one baby this time, she (or he) looks great so far, heartbeat has always been great.  Yesterday was a little rough for me, because at first the doc couldn't find the heartbeat.  I tried NOT to freak out, because I KNOW my baby is alive, I feel her move around all the time, and we could hear her move on the Doppler, but not hearing the heartbeat right away set off my panic.  What if??  I starting crying.  Finally, she found it, and it was just and as healthy as can be. Then, our doc starting talking about the testing...
I am high risk this time around, not because of our loss since the docs truly believe that was a freak accident, but because I have gestational diabetes.  I had it with Jackson, and after we delivered him my sugars went back to normal, but almost as soon as we were preggo again they creeped back up.  They aren't really high or anything, but in pregnancy the docs are brutal about wanting those sugars to be very low.  Plus, because the docs know how anxious we are, they want to to give us as much peace of mind as they can.  My blood pressure has been a little high each appointment, which we thought was just the anxiety of being at the doctors, but it hasn't gotten any better.  So, they are putting me on a low dose of meds.  I have to get an EKG, and do a urine test, which our doc said yesterday is just routine, just to get my baseline, etc etc...she doesn't think there is anything wrong with me or the baby.
But...I've read stories, I know percentage rates, of what high blood pressure can do to moms and babies.  I know that preterm labor and stillbirth...those percentages go up.  I try not to think about it, try not to let that fear live in me, but I am struggling with it a lot today.  What if??  What if something is wrong?  What if it gets higher?  What if that puts me into labor again?  Will I say goodbye to another baby?
If I focus on the heartbeat I heard yesterday, that helps me relax.  We have a live baby for now.  That heartbeat is all I need to talk myself into calming down.  We have another day with this baby, and I have to try to enjoy each day.  When I feel the baby move, which I have been feeling since 13 weeks (so early!  I think God knew I needed it!) I get so happy and so confident that we have a healthy one here.  Overall, I have been much more confident this time around, and hopefully that means something.  With Jackson, I always felt off.  I don't feel that way this time.  
I know that God doesn't want me to live in fear.  I know that is not Him.  I know He wants me to have faith.  But faith is such a tricky friend in PAL.  I have to have faith, no matter what.  Live baby, or baby in Heaven.   God thought I could handle Jackson's loss, what if He feels that way about this baby too?  Where does faith fall in all of this?  I choose to believe that this IS our Rainbow baby, our healthy baby after a loss.  I choose to believe that God is blessing us after a terrible storm.  I choose to believe that God wants us to take this baby home from the hospital.  I am choosing to have faith, and to fight the fear with all I have.  It's hard, but I'll keep fighting!
For prayer, I know people are asking specifically, here is what we need.  Prayer for a healthy baby - we go for our anatomy scan later in January and will find out any problems there - I don't want there to be a single thing wrong with this baby!  Prayer for a healthy me - that all the tests and extra appointments will just confirm that I am ok, that my body can handle this pregnancy this time and get to the end without any complications.  Prayer for my peace, my family's peace too, that our anxieties and fears won't get to us.  We can't thank you enough for support us and investing in this with us.  They say it takes a village to raise a child, well this village will birth a healthy baby, hopefully! XOXO,

Happy New Year News

Happy 2015 everyone!!  Our little family does have some news for you.  We've been waiting and praying for the right time to share and we decided that the first day of this new year would be the perfect time...

Yes!  We are pregnant, again.  17 weeks and 2 days today.  We are excited, we are terrified, we are hopeful, we are praying like crazy that this little baby makes it past 21 weeks...ALL the way to the end.  Please pray for us!
More info to come soon...
Happy New Year - and hopefully this one will be a HAPPY one!

Goodbye 2-0-1-4

There are only a few more hours left of this year.
This year...
A year that I can't wait to say goodbye to, yet I want to hang on to so badly at the same time.  I want to put as much time between me and Jackson's death and birth as possible, but I also need to go back to that day so I can hold him more and stare at him and memorize his hands and toes and everything about him.

I got through Thanksgiving and Christmas fine, better than I thought I could.  I was joyful, and happy, and didn't think too much of the little soul that was missing.  But not today, something is off.  Something is eating away at me.  I think it's that I am going forward into a year where Jackson doesn't exist, but where he should exist.  I'm leaving him here in 2014.  I am feeling some weird sort of separation that I can't do anything about.  I just have to move on.  Without our baby.

This year has been the hardest of my life.  I never thought I could live through such a loss.  Not just any loss, but a loss caused by something in my body.  A death that occurred...not beside me or in a bed in a hospital, but right here inside of me.  It was so...personal.  Devastating.  How can people live through things like that?  Oh I know there are much worse things in the world, but for me, in this safe little area and in our sheltered Bel Air world, it was world rocker.  Life changing.  Almost life ending, from the intense hollow darkness called grief.

This year has given so much to me though, in spite of the loss.  I am stronger, I am wiser, I am more mature, I'm done with being caught up in silly, stupid things that others around me may be hung up on.  Just give me my family, and life in our bodies, and really...that's it.  I can live without everything else.  I am closer to God too, not nearly as close as I should be, but way closer than I was before him. I hear Him, I feel Him pushing my spirit to do things or say things or pray for people - the connection is better.  Some of the junk has been cleared away.  I am thankful for that.  When you live through this type of loss, lots of things burn away.  I like that I can focus more, feel my purpose growing in some ways, and I just feel more centered as a whole.  

I feel centered, but still a giant mess.  Life is springing forward to 2015.  A year that will bring who knows what?  There is fear fighting to get into my life from all angles, so much fear.  It's trying to break down the door that I have built on God and with God these past few months.  I fight it constantly.  Loss.  Grief.  Despair.  Fear.  I am tired from battling them all the time, but I can't give up.  I think that is what I feel today.  I am very tired.  I have been fighting for a long time.  I want rest.  I pray that God helps me find it.  He has carried me through so much, and I know He will continue to do so.

So here's to 2015.  New starts, new beginnings, new meanings...and hopefully a year filled with joy and happiness no matter what happens.  I love my life, despite all that's happened.  We are blessed, we are whole even though we are broken, we have a great family and wonderful friends.  We have so much support all around us.  God has been good to us.  God has and continues to get us through this, and God has blessed us again and again beyond what we deserve.

To my sweet Jackson - 2014 wasn't all bad, because it gave me you.  I will carry you in my heart for all the years to come.  2014 was your year, and the time you were here was good, and happy and filled with love.  I hope you know that.  I miss you more than I can even explain, more than I can stand to measure, and I love you with all of my heart.  Little Lily, gone way too soon and whom we never ever got to meet alive, we miss you terribly.  What would life had been like with twins?  I wish I knew, but can only imagine now.  Take care of your brother.  xoxo.

Have a wonderful, safe and blessed New Year!

Merry Christmas from The Blands

Merry Christmas everyone!!  December has been a quiet month, blog-wise.  We've been busy, but careful with ourselves during this happy yet hard holiday season.  We have been able to enjoy the love and joy and anticipation of Christmas, in spite of our broken hearts.  I think this year, more than ever, we are fully appreciating what it's all about - because Jesus has carried us through so much heartache and pain this year - we understand how wonderful and beautiful His love is for us.  Thank God that Our Savior was Born!!  I couldn't have made it through the year without him.

I am missing my little Lily and Jackson a lot these days.  I am able to fit my happiness around the grief now, and I am so thankful for that.  The pain is NOT gone, and it has NOT gotten easier, but I am able to live my life normally WITH it.  Merry Christmas, Baby Bland Twins, your first in Heaven.  I'm jealous of the party you must be having there;)  

To all our friends and family, I hope your Christmas is filled with love and joy and true happiness.  Taken nothing or no one for granted, and enjoy your time together!  Merry Christmas!!  

Happy Birthday, Jesus!