Day 31: Sunset

Today is the last day of the #captureyourgrief project.  I have enjoyed doing my daily photos, and captioning them accordingly with the special prompts.  The project really helped me explore my grief, and figure out where it fits into my life and how I can live around it.  
Admittedly, after our memorial on the 21st, I lost steam with it.  I think after saying an official goodbye to Jackson and Lily, I was drained of my sad emotions.  As a usually peppy and happy person, my heart couldn't hold my sad feelings much longer.  I felt like I had gotten over the mountain top of the grief, and now I'm on my way down.  It's still a long, long way down, with a gentler slop going down, so it takes more time to journey through.  But at least I'm on a different path than I was before.  I'm happier.  I smile more.  I can think and talk of the babies without that huge pressure on my heart.  They are a part of my life, just as any children are, but also very differently.
So with that, I end this project with one of Jackson's beautiful sunsets.  The sky never ceases to amaze me each night, no matter the weather.  It's funny how something so normal and everyday never caught my attention before this.  It's almost always so beautiful.  I love thinking of Jackson, and Lily, as I watch the sky (and right now, the leaves too) light up on fire with the orange and the pinks and yellows and reds.  Like it's a painting, just for me :)

Thanks for sticking through this month of grief posts with me.  :)

Day 26: Healing Ritual

Now that we've gotten passed 10/21 - the "due date" and the memorial, I feel like I'm losing steam on grieving.  That's a good thing!  I don't feel so guilty moving on with life, enjoying the little things each day, and appreciating the blessings that God has given me.  I still have my moments and last week was very hard, but I am feeling a lot better.  I think the struggle through last week gave me lots of hope and strength.

Today's theme is healing ritual.  My healing ritual is my walks in the evenings, catching the sunrise when possible.  Now that the days are getting shorter, and chillier, and rainier, I haven't been going as much and I am sad about that.  Even though I am feeling better emotionally, I still need to get my butt out there and exercise.  I know it's good for my overall well being.  The weather looks like it's going to be nice and fallish this week, so I am making a goal to get out there 3 times, at least.  Next week after daylight savings, I guess I'll have to get used to walking in twilight or the dark.  Dave may have to join me for those!

I love my walks, and I know they helped my healing journey so far.  I listen to Oceans over and over, and pray or talk to Jackson and Lily, and just reflect on life and plan for the future.  It's been a great way to clear my mind each evening, and to be sure my priorities are straight in life.  It's help keep me stress free so far this school year too, and the walks have also helped keep me in a healthy mindset.  I always try to hit my 10,000 steps on my fitbit, if I didn't reach that goal at school.

I hope to keep this ritual up even through the winter, but I have a feeling that I may have to move the ritual over to the gym, or maybe some yoga inside.  I love being outside in nature, but dark and chilly walks may not be as enticing as a sunny and warm summer evening walk.  I'm going to miss those!

I am thankful for this healing ritual.  Cheers!

Day 23: Inspiration

I am still trying to catch up on sleep and energy after our emotional day on Tuesday.  It took a lot out of me, more than I realized, to plan our babies memorial and go through the official motion of saying "goodbye" to them both.  It's hard to make it through each work day without falling asleep!  I've been trying to rest as much as possible when I am home, around living life and trying to take care of the house and my family.  I'll get better at it.  I know I have to be easy on myself this week, or even this whole month, and follow what my heart and body are saying to me.  Yesterday I came home and went right to bed after a nice long bath, it felt good to take care of me and just be lazy.  Good for the theme of self-care yesterday.

I'm loving this month of grieving, and I know that sounds weird, but I mean it.  It's been really helpful to explore my feelings and what Jackson and Lily mean to me.  Of course, I'd rather have them here, but since that's not possible I'll make the best of it.

Today's theme of #captureyourgrief is Inspiration.  I chose this picture of some of the balloons (enviro friendly, with twine that is also enviro friendly) we released for Jackson and Lily because they are my main inspiration during this time.  They inspire me to learn and grow and live life with love and peace.  They have changed me for the better in so many ways, they are still changing me.  I have a long way to go!  Part of the way I can endure them not being here with me is thinking about them daily and letting them guide my heart and actions.  I hope that I make them proud, I know that sounds so silly, but I want to be a good mom for them and because of them.  Just as if they were here.

Thanks for being my inspiration, dear babies.  Love you!  

Time for mom to go to bed. ZZZzzzzzZZzzzz

Day 21: Relationship

Day 21 of #captureyourgrief is themed around Relationship.  It's fitting that Relationship is our theme today, because the day was centered in us remembering our relationship with our babies, however short and sweet that time was.  We are still fostering a relationship with them now, but in a very different way.  We are parenting souls in Heaven.  It's a sad way to be a parent, but when it's all you've got, you make it work.  We are making it work, somehow, being parents to "angel" babies...and learning more about our relationships with them now.   Tonight, our memorial celebration was hard.  It was a beautiful way to say goodbye, and there were many tears by everyone who came, but hopefully it was healing for everyone too.  Afterwards, we had a good dinner and fun time just hanging out and being together.  The whole evening, I could feel Jackson and Lily there, their presence made loud and clear by their absence, if that makes any sense.   Everything we did to honor them today is part of how I work on my relationship with them.  My writing, and making pictures, and the video, and artwork...these are all ways I spend time with my babies.  So, below I am sharing the memorial video I made, and the letter that I (tried to) read through my tears.     These pictures are of all the special things we've done for them.  The pictures I made a few weeks ago are here, along with a shadow box I made for Jackson with all of his special things (his hat, onesie, footprints, our gone too soon card, his bracelet) and also the beautiful anchor that Heather made for the babies.  Heather and I also made small anchor ornaments for all of our guests to take with them.  All of these things will be going up on a wall in our home, a wall to honor them and remember them.

I guess I should warn you to watch and read with a tissue, because that was the reaction of my family and friends.  I'm sorry about that, but both of these items are my heart, and a special way for me to say goodbye to my babies.

I am hoping that after today, my heart will feel lighter, but fuller.  
Oh and THANK YOU for all the amazing support today.  SO many of you posted or commented about celebrating Jackson & Lily with us.  It was overwhelming and beautiful, and I can't thank you enough for participating.  Love you all <3
Click here for memorial video. 

Memorial Letter 10.21.14 - I read this to my family after we watched the DVD and after Ash lit their

candles and read some beautiful scriptures for us.  I'll post those another time, she did a great job.  

Dear Jackson,

When I first lost you I thought that I would have to spend all of my days being sad and consumed by my grief of losing you, I thought that was the only way I was able to be with you and remember you the right way. To move on or feel better would mean that I am getting over you. There is no getting over you...

As time went on I found that the days without you were getting easier to handle, not because time was healing my grief but grief was becoming part of who I am. Then I realized that I had to redefine grief because it wasn't just grief that was becoming part of me, but it was you.  As in the you who isn’t here, the you that is alive in Heaven, you were becoming a part of my every day life and each day it was not as sad as the last.

You made me a mother, and while mothering the spirit of a baby in Heaven is not what I imagined motherhood to be, it is a beautiful part of my life when I can get passed the sadness if it. I have had people tell me "I don't know how you do this, it seems too hard" but how I see it is this: Thinking about you and writing in my blog about you and walking to see your sunsets and sharing your stories with the world and creating pictures and albums for you is me spending time with you.  I’m being your mom and exploring who you are and who I am now that you have touched my life. I would do the same exact things with you if you were here with me, instead of Heaven. I am your mom, and that time together with you is so special.

I also can get through this whole grieving process without falling apart because of Jesus. He walks me through this sad time in our lives, and sometimes, especially those first few days and weeks without you, He carried me through it.

He has walked with me every step of the way through this journey. It’s hard to understand why He let this happen to us, but then I remember we aren't supposed to understand everything that happens in this world. Sometimes, we have to trust Him and blindly have faith in Him, because He is our God and loves us so much. He doesn't want me to be in pain or feel despair, and thankfully He has saved me from those things.

Am I sad that you are not here? Yes! But, how can I stay that way when I know that you were born right into Heaven? Your whole life will be there, with Jesus, and you will never know pain or sorrow or war or heartache or any of those terrible things that we has humans have to endure here on earth. You will only know love and peace and have firsthand experience of the glory and beauty of living with our Lord.  Honestly, what more could a mother want for her child?

Do I miss you? Yes. Do I wish you were here? Yes. Do my arms constantly ache for you?  More than I can bare, usually.  Can I explain this whole mess? No.  But, does our God know what He is doing? Absolutely. Will he use your life to change us and our world and bring love and hope? I really, really hope so.

I have learned that nothing on this earth is mine. It all belongs to God. You belong to God. I belong to God. We all do. So tonight, my little boy, we send these balloons to Heaven to say that we love you and miss you and to tell God that even though we are sad He wanted you there, we are trying to be ok with the fact that you are not. We are trying to not be selfish by wanting you here with us.  We are giving you back to Him, because you are His first.

And to our little Lily, I didn't know you long, but I love you and miss you too.  For those very few minutes we thought we were going to be the parents of twins, we felt special, terrified of course, but special because twins are a rare blessing.  I am sad you had to leave us so soon.  However, I am so happy you were there to welcome your brother into Heaven.

Watch over us, little Blands, and we will see you in time. I, for one, cant wait for that day.

Love,

Mom, Dad, and Ashley, and all of your loving family.

Day 19: Give

Day 19 of #captureyourgrief is Give.  Give means so many different things to me right now, I can't nail down just one concept of give...
I want to give to others in honor of Jackson, so that his short life makes the world better.
I was given such a short and sweet time with him.
I gave him a home while he was here with me.
People have given us so much love and support during our time.
I want to give him to the world, so that people know him and remember him.
We have given to baby loss and pregnancy loss charities in His honor.
God is teaching us a lot by giving to Him.
The Lord gives and He takes away.
God has given us so much....
See?  I can't figure out one thing for give, give means a lot of things to me.    
I give him to you, God, because he was yours first, and will always be yours.  But please, keep on carrying me through this, because I can't do it without you.  You give me hope.