October 3, 2014

Before

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Before our loss, I had no idea that life could really be so difficult.  I had no idea how scary pregnancy could really be.  I thought I was one of those people who would skate through life without many hardships.  Everyone would be born and die in an orderly fashion that made sense.  After the loss of my father-in-law, I kind of figured we'd been dealt our "bad times" and would be good on the bad luck for a while.  My husband losing his father was a huge and heart breaking ordeal, surely God would spare us any more big losses for a while, right?

I was so wrong.  And to believe that God works that way was really stupid of me.  People die.  Babies, children, parents in their 50's, and so on.  We aren't guaranteed a long life, not ever.  That's a hard pill to swallow, and if I think about it long, I start to freak out.  Who else will I lose?  Will I die? Will all my pregnancies end in death?  But, I try to keep control of those feelings, and there is no point in worrying myself into a panic attack.  It helps nothing.  It helps no one.  Because, I can not control everything, especially fate and life and death.  I have no control.

Day 3 of #captureyourgrief is BEFORE.  Who was I before?  How was life different before?  Do I miss anything about that person?



This picture was taken on Feb. 13th, 2014.  This was barely 24 hours after we found out we were pregnant.  I was happy, I was excited, I was in complete shock.  I remember writing "Baby coming" in the snow - the snow that kept on falling for over 20 hours and piled up to 18 inches.  

Who is that girl?  She knows nothing of what will happen to her.  She is blissfully unaware that her body will become a baby killing machine in the next few weeks, and then again in 5 months.  I was naive, but I was happy.

I miss the not knowing.  I miss being able to be naively excited about pregnancy, and not knowing how wrong it can all go.  The next time...it will not be that easy.  I'll have to actively fight the terrible feelings, the crushing yet raw fear, that loss could and may happen again.  I'll have to work hard to not be afraid to do the simple task of just going to use the bathroom, holding my breath each time.  The odds of losing another baby actually go up, because we have lost before.  There's no quota for baby loss heartache, no free pass since we've already said goodbye to two babies.  It can happen again.  I miss not knowing that.

That girl, she was also much more selfish, and self-centered.  She wasn't able to hold as much love and gratitude in her heart.  She doesn't know what it feels like to be a mom, or to mother a soul in Heaven.  Those things have altered me.  

I am proud of who I am now.  I know more, I have grown much older in this short time, and much wiser, and our loss has changed me in amazing and impossibly good ways.  More on that tomorrow...

Miss you both.  Miss you all.  I love you.

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