October 19, 2014

Explore, Gratitude, and other things...

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Today my heart is both light and heavy.  I feel that is my normal lately.  Finding the good and beauty is life and in everyday, while dealing with how terrible and ugly life can be.  All at the same time.

My heart is heavy for so many reasons.  This week, there have been too many heartbreaking events going on in the world of people I know.  It's so hard to understand why things happen the way they do, and it's so hard to fight to have faith and hope through all of those things.  It's a battle, it's between good and evil, and evil wants to win so badly.  Evil wants us to be sad and hopeless and mad at God, and it's so scary how easy that can be.  Having faith and hope is a struggle, because these sad events are outside of what we as humans can comprehend, and we have to find a way to be ok with that.  Its very tough.

As for me, I sit here at my computer, trying to plan my babies' memorial service on Tuesday.  I have to stop myself from screaming that I shouldn't even be planning this stupid service, I should have them both here with me now, going crazy over the fact that we have twins.  But here I am, planning out a tasteful way to help me and our family say goodbye to them, without making them want to crawl into a hole and die from the sadness of it all.  Sometimes life just isn't fair.

Our service will be small, really just our immediate families and a few friends.  I made a DVD, and wrote a letter to read to my family, that I will share later that night here on the blog.  We are doing our balloon release at 5:30 at mom & dads, with environmentally friendly balloons and twine so as to not harm the rest of the world.  Mom is making a nice dinner.  It will be sad, but it will be healing.  A final and official way to say goodbye, to give them back to God in our own way, because that is where they are, and that is where they belong.

I'll ask our friends and family on Facebook to participate in a few ways, if they want.  You can release a balloon of your own, or do an Act of Kindness in Jackson and Lily's name (I'll post ideas), or you can light a candle anytime that day or night for them.  There's no pressure, and no obligation.  If you do something, maybe take a picture or post a comment for us, so we know you are saying goodbye too.  

I've missed blogging about the last few days of #captureyourgrief and that is because we have been busy bees around here!  My BFF, Heather, is here visiting.  She came from Texas to help me with the memorial service, and just be here with me during this tough time in the grieving process.  It's been wonderful having her here! 

Friday we went to NYC for the day, which was so much fun.  We spent the day walking around and talking and exploring the city, which is fitting, because the 17th theme was Explore.  

Exploring grief is a lot like exploring a city.  I take in my new environment and I try to understand what it means to me and my life, how does it change me?  How do I interact with it?  Exploring grief is hard and tiring work.  But the more I explore it, the more I understand it, and the better I am at living my life around it.  Grief is not something I can ignore, I can't push it away and hope it disappears, it won't work that way forever.  Plus, ignoring it means I have to ignore the memory of my two little babies, and I just can't do that.  I explore the sadness and heartache for them.  I think I am in a good place in this exploration, but I still have far to go.  At least I am used to working it into my life, and the sting of it isn't as painful.  It's still there, but I have built a tolerance to it.

Yesterday was Day 18 and the theme was Gratitude.  I am grateful for so many things.  But I chose to pick Dave as my subject for yesterday.  He has put up with a lot these past few months, me and my grief and emotions as well as his own grieving.  He is strong and he keeps me sane and tries to help me through this whole mess.  He takes care of me and the house and little things that for me, it's just hard to think of or care about during this time.  As time has gone on, I've gotten better and less rotten about it all, and he is still here loving me.  Losing a baby or a child is one of the hardest strains on a marriage, and I can see how easy it is to give up on life, and each other, when this happens.  This is also hard work, keeping us together, when all we want to do is fall apart on the inside.  That was never an option for us, and we've tried to keep God and and each other first, knowing we can lean on Him and then each other to get through this time together.  So I am so grateful for him, and grateful to God for blessing me with him.  It's been a rough few months, but for Dave & I, we are stronger for it and love each other more and love God more because of all of it.  That's something to be grateful for.

Today's theme is give and I am still working on that one, so more on that later...

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