October 4, 2014

Now

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Now.  Who am I now?  Besides a girl who has deeply rooted anxiety and fears towards all things pregnancy related?  Not only for myself, but for every pregnant woman I see.  I think, "Stay in there, sweet baby" to every single belly I see.  
Honestly, now that I have been climbing this mountain of grief for almost 4 months, I can look down and see how far I have come.  It's ironic how a loss so big, a loss that has broken me into pieces, has also made me full whole in so many ways.  My babies, little Lily and sweet Jackson, have changed me.  I know I have so much further to go...but I am thankful for what they have meant to me and this world so far.  I am thankful for how much they have changed me for the better...
I am more patient.  That's not saying much, because I wasn't all that patient before and I still have far to go here...
I have so much more capacity to love.  My babies have made room in my heart, and I am really not sure what to do with all of it!  I am sure that they will show me...
I am stronger.  I can't even believe how strong I am!  God has brought me far in this short time, and I feel like I can move mountains...
I have so much faith.  Faith was something I never thought much of before.  Trusting that God has a much bigger plan for me than I have for myself is very difficult, but I have faith that no matter where He leads me, it will be awesome.  I keep hearing those words He whispered to me during labor, "My blessings will be abundant."  I'm not sure what that means, but He is GOD, so it has to be good!
I have HOPE.  I cling to HOPE.  How can one be hopeful after pregnancy loss?  I really don't know, except my God is an awesome one, and that is how He works.  He can take the bad and make it good.  He can take the sorrow and turn it into happy.  He can take something ugly and create beauty.  He can take fear and build strength.  And he can take death and despair and give HOPE like you have never seen it before.  
Yes, I am different.  And while I'd rather have them here with me, I am happy with the person I am becoming because of them.  I hope I continue to grow and find strength from all of this.  I hope to make and live a beautiful life.  
#captureyourgrief Day 4: Now.  
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