October 5, 2014

Day 5: Journal

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Day 5 of the #captureyourgrief project is Journal.  I have kept a few different journals with thoughts and ideas written down in them, but the main journal of all is this blog.  This blog has helped heal me in ways I'm not sure were possible otherwise.  I am able to talk freely here, about how I feel and what I feel, even if it's sad or crazy or selfish, and everyone seems to accept me for where I am on my journey.  Or, maybe you don't and you keep your opinions to yourself, but either way I appreciate you stopping by and reading about how I am doing and what I am feeling at any given moment.  

I love writing here in my blogspace, I look forward to writing new posts every week.  I'm always thinking of ideas that I can share, whether they are helpful or venting or just feeling out loud, the ideas are always coming.  I keep a small written journal of these ideas.  I may read or hear something, or learn something at church, and I'll jot it down to remember it and maybe write about someday.  The written journal was given to me by the hospital.  I also have a creative journal that I can draw or write in that I made with my sweet friend from work, DJ.  Writing and being creative has been essential to my healing.  

How do I feel today?  I feel good.  I feel peaceful.  I even feel happy at times.  I also feel overly nostalgic most of the time.  I feel great being an active part of life again.

Mom & I had a yard and jewelry sale both yesterday and today.  Together I think we made over $400!  So, together we are donating over $40 to Pregnancy and Infant Loss charities in honor of our babies and a nod to this month of remembrance.  We had fun pulling out all of our junk and participating in the community yard sale in their neighborhood. One man's trash is another man's treasure!  I'm glad some of our old things went to homes where people could enjoy them again.  
It felt good to be out and talking with people and helping mom with her jewelry sales and just spending time with people I love.  Dave & Ash came both days and either helped or sat with us too.  Today, business was much slower, but it is a beautiful fall day and I was out appreciating the sun and how beautiful the world can be.

Today is one of those days that reminds me that though I probably have far to go in healing, I can see how far I have already come.  Before I couldn't even go outside, I didn't want to be around people, and I didn't want the world to keep moving when I wanted it all to stop.  Now, I don't feel any of those things anymore.  I can smile again.  I can laugh.  I can feel happiness again.  I remember in those early days when I wasn't sure I'd ever feel happy again.  I'm so, so glad that I am wrong!

This afternoon I am getting together some ideas for Jackson's memorial coming up on the 21st.  I took a personal day at work for that day, and mom has told us that whatever we do we can use her house.  I originally wanted to release the paper lanterns but they are so dangerous in such a busy area, so I had to scrap that idea.  We decided on doing a balloon release.  Don't worry, I tracked down 100% biodegradable balloons, because the last thing I want to do in honor of my baby is endanger animals or our environment.  I think we are going to spend part of the day doing Acts of Kindness in Jackson's honor.  I kind of think it would be cool to do 21 different things, because his due date is the 21st and he was exactly 21 weeks when he passed, so it's meaningful.  I want the acts to be special, and anonymous as much as possible.  We aren't doing it to to be selfish or celebrated, just so that Jackson's short and sweet life can make a difference on the world in some small but sweet way.  

Yes, life feels like it can be good again.  It's a different kind of good, like a piece of the good will always be missing from me, but it's still good.  It feels wonderful to not be so weighed down in grief anymore.  I don't think that hurt will ever go away, but I can and am living around it.  I'm still trying to integrate it into my life and use it to help me live and love better.  I'm sure that will be a lifelong journey, but at least it feels good.  

Thanks for allowing me to be me here, and thanks for reading and being a part of this whole mess.  Its a big mess, but it's our mess and it's in honor of the twin babies we had to say goodbye to, and it's healing and helpful to me to write here.  So thank you.  
xo,
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