October 15, 2014

October 15th Wave of Light

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Today is a pretty hard day.  I guess it's safe to say I hate this day.  While it brings some meaning and remembrance, I would just as rather not have to think of this day at all.

First, it's Pregnancy and Baby loss Remembrance Day.  A day for the whole world to remember and grieve babies who never got to take breath, or babies who died in their first year of life.  I'm glad there is a day to celebrate our babies, but it totally sucks that it has to exist at all.  Yeah, ok, people die and that is natural, but why babies?  Why can't they be immune?  

Second, our hospital was supposed to have a beautiful candlelight ceremony tonight, but of course this year...the year we lost our babies, they aren't doing it.  I know that people have lives and families and all of that stuff, but it's sad to me that this year no one could put it together.  If I had known this information way further ahead of time, earlier than the end of last week, I could have done it.  I feel a little cheated, but oh well that is life, right?

Third, and the worse part of it all, was that this day, October 15th, would have been my potential scheduled c-section.  Jackson's original due date is next Tuesday the 21st, and we are doing our memorial for him on that day, but this day hurts too.  Our doctors told us at the last appointment we had before we lost him that they would probably schedule me at just over 39 weeks for a c-section, because of the gestational diabetes.  On October 15th.  They don't like the diabetes babies to stay in too long, because they can get too big and cause more complications.  So today is sort of like a due date.  

We may have welcomed him into the world already, in my alternate reality.  

He'd be here, with us.  Instead of gone.

So yeah, today sucks.

It is sad to be part of this community, but hey...at least there is a circle of support for something as terrible as this.  We are a strong community too.  We are mothers of dead babies.  We are parents of angels.  There are little souls in Heaven waiting for us.  We are no longer afraid of death, because death means we can be together again.  We are the community of pregnancy and baby loss, and we are strong.

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