October 1, 2014

Here we go, October

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This month is finally here.  As I am still waking up today, I have mixed feelings.  Part of me is really ready, ready to move on and live my life and be happy.  Part of me is still in that second reality.  The reality where I am still pregnant and just a few weeks away from meeting our son, Jackson.  

As I move through grief, that second reality becomes less like a reality and more like a dream.  It's hard to imagine myself pregnant with him any more.  His death and the fact that he is in Heaven has become normal to me.  That breaks my heart a little, that I am getting "used" to him not being here.  

I'm glad I have come so far, or that God has gotten me this far, but I'm sad because it feels like I'm letting him go.

So, here is October.  A whole month dedicated to Pregnancy and Infant Loss, as well as a personal month dedicated to getting through our baby's original due date.  Instead of having a baby, we are having a memorial service.  For PAIL, there are so many events and projects to get involved in this month and while I want to be involved in all of them, I have to protect myself too.  If I do too much and keep too busy, I think that defeats the purpose of my plans for healing this month.

As I get through this month, I hope I learn how to love and honor Jackson with my whole life, while moving on with life and feeling ok about that.  It's hard for me.  
Anyways, here is my first day photo of the #Captureyourgrief project. 
The sun has become a symbol for me.  A way for Jackson to communicate to me.  I see him and hear him in the sky during the sunrise and the sunset.  I hear a little voice that says, "We're ok" and I can only take that to mean that he is there with his twin "sister" and his grandfather and all the others that have gone on in our families...and they are ok.
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