October 14, 2014

Day 14: Light/Dark

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With my grief, there is obviously a dark side.  Dark is all I could see in those first few weeks after Jackson was gone.  I was sad, and lonely, and bitter, and all the terrible things humans can feel when life goes wrong.  I wanted to die too.  It was a very, very dark time.

Slowly, as time when on, light started coming back into my life.  Just for a teeny bit, and then I would feel bad or guilty for allowing light in after such a thing, and it would be gone - poof!  Then, it would try to come back, again and again, for longer periods of time, until one day I realized I had gone through a almost whole day of light!  

Then, I noticed, that light, after all that darkness...or should I say, in all this darkness, is so bright.  It's blindingly bright.  My good times are happier.  My laugh is more genuine.  My smile is bigger.  My heart feels the light so much more, now that it nows how dark the world can be.

It makes sense, that the more dark something is, the smallest light can be blinding.  That is what grief is like.  Dark all around, but when light comes back, it comes back...wow.

I hate the dark parts of this.  The dark is so heavy.  But I love the light.  I love how it makes my heart feel.  I am hoping that as days go on and I learn how this grief is part of me, the light gets even brighter, that it will get lighter.  I love that the light makes my life better, it allows me to see what Jackson and Lily mean in this world, and what they have done for me.  

Keep on coming, light...

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