October 13, 2014

Day 13: Season

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Day 13 of #captureyourgrief is Season.  The "season" that I will forever associate Jackson and our loss with will be the end of the school year, and start of summer.

There is no fortunate time to lose a baby.  But I was very angry at the timing of our loss.  Oh, I understand that God's timing is perfect, and I do see that in our case because I didn't have to take time off work to grieve, I had a good 8 weeks of built-in mourning.  

I was very bitter when my water broke on the 3rd to last day of school, that I would be missing my last two days of the year.  I wouldn't be able to say goodbye to my 5th graders, I'd miss the graduation and the picnic fun, I'd miss the end of the year excitement in the air, I'd even miss the waving goodbye to all students as they drove away on the buses that last day.  I was angry!

The doctors all joked with me (when appropriate of course) because I was upset I'd miss the talent show too.  A dozen or so kids singing the song from Frozen, but I wanted to see it.  I hate missing important moments with my students!  I think I even begged the docs to let me go.  I think I was delirious, since I ended up giving birth on the last day and that would have been impossible.

I also was upset because a time that should have been fun, and exciting and relaxing, was completely the opposite.  I should have been celebrating another school year under my belt, basking in the sun by the pool with not a care in the world.  I should have been planning summer projects and decorating a nursery.  It's the most wonderful time of the year, when you are an educator!

But again, there's no good time to lose a baby, and I have to be thankful it happened when it did.  Financially, it worked.  Professionally, it worked.  It work in all the smart ways it should have, and God's timing is never bad.  It could have happened over the holidays, or right now when the baby would be 39 weeks.  All times are bad, so really, I guess I shouldn't complain.

I am sad though, that from now on a time of each year that should be fun and exciting...the end of the school year and start of the summer, will be tainted by our loss.  Jackson's birthday is June 12th.  There is no changing that or getting around it, and there will be no hopping over it or staying in bed that day, because it will probably always be a busy time.

Since we only lost him this year, I can't tell you how that time will be for me next year.  I am dreading it.  But maybe, just maybe, the fact that it's the end of the school year will help me be ok.  There's plenty to do and be excited for, and that may work out in my favor.

So that's my season.  End of the school year and early summer.  Those days will always be hard, but I know I can get through them.  I know Jackson wouldn't want me to be sad at a time where there is supposed to be lots of happiness.  I'll try, baby boy, I'll try.


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